So, this is what I've created with my life...

Our Minds

2008-02-01T11:48:00.000-05:00

So far, so good. I've taken the dairy and wheat of of his diet and he's had great reports all week at school! He's more focused and able to contain some of his energy which was the first part of the battle I wanted to win.

While driving him home the other day I was thinking about the library and about 10 seconds after that he piped up, "Mom, can we go to the library?" I almost drove off the road because I have never taken him to the library. Never. Then as I was laughing at that I was thinking about getting him some oranges because we're out (he eats a cup of oranges at school every day) and he chimes in with, "Mom, I love oranges. They're my favorites!"

Coninsidence? I don't think so...

Remember

2008-01-28T22:03:00.000-05:00

I asked my son tonight if he was happy he was here and he said, "Yes." I then asked him if he had chosen me and he said, "Oh, yes!" I asked him why he was here and he said, "I don't know. You'll need to find out what it is," and when I asked him if he had picked me or me and his dad for his message he replied, "Oh, you and Daddy. But, you need to find why." I asked him if he was special and a Crystal Child and he started to laugh. "Mom," he replied, "You know. You know..."

I guess I do.

ReNewal

2008-01-26T19:22:00.000-05:00

This blog has been stagnant for a long time for many reasons, not the least of which is because I was waiting for everyone that I know to forget it existed. I didn't want to delete it because I have a lot of memories on here, but I didn't want the people in my life to read some of my thoughts for a while. I have another blog too, so I've directed all of my traffic over there in order to keep this one semi-private.

This blog is (hopefully) going to be dedicated to the emerging person my son is becoming. It's been a very complicated road the past four years, but I am starting to get some insight and some understanding about him and I hope this blog helps me as I gather information, and that it may help someone else who finds themselves in the same situation I'm in. It's going to get harder before it gets easier because I find myself stuck between mainstream and alternative.

I should start out by saying that I am a student of metaphysics. I am getting my degree in holistic childcare, and have finally found the Science of the Mind philosophy. I have read many a book on Wicca religion, studied religions of the non-western worlds, and am comfortable in my knowledge that there is way more about the Universe that I can ever understand.

Why do I mention all of the above? Because this blog is not going to fit in the confides of "normal" (and by that I mean what current Eastern society views as ordinary), and by stating that it gives people with closed minds the opportunity to not read any farther.

So, then, here is where it begins:

It was suggested in November that my just-turned-four-year-old son be tested for speech issues by his pre-3K teacher. I agreed and set up a full evaluation through our State's program, the first date available falling in January. Between the time of the initial suggestion and the evaluations, my son's teacher was driven to the end of her rope by my son's seemingly endless display of discipline problems. I was devastated because, as every mom knows, you want to believe that your child is the best behaved, most wonderful child on the planet. I wasn't so delusion ed as to think that my son was loved by everyone because I knew that his behavior was a lot to handle, his personality so 'big' that it seemed unable to be contained by his tiny body, but every day I hoped that people would see past his exuberance and into the loving, vulnerable soul that he has.

Anyway, we went to the evaluation appointment and, even though the evaluators fell in love with him and his obvious desire to please, they agreed that his need for routine and inability to stay on task presented a problem. We discussed the possibility of moving him to a full-time program for behavior disordered children in a month or two, and I was excited at the thought because it was obvious that someone other than his teacher saw the difficulty that his behavior presented! I was finally going to get some help!

As the week went on, however, I began to feel in my gut that something wasn't quite right. Interestingly enough his teacher changed right after the evaluations, I was interviewing for a full-time job, and my husband's business began to get a lot of volume. The timing for such a change didn't feel right to me, and I was noticing a change in my son- a good one.

I had a parent/teacher conference with his new teacher and was blown away by the time I left. She indicated that she noticed no behavior issues with my son at all, and that his eagerness to learn gave her the impression that he is highly intelligent. He was always asking to do more "work", and was always thrilled at the prospect of working one-on-one with her. In short, he challenged her to keep him busy and, by meeting that challenge, he stayed focused! I left there feeling rejuvenated and happy that the change in teachers seemed to be just the change my son needed.

Later that same day I had a long-standing appointment with an Intuitive Reader. I had waited months and months for this reading and was so excited that the time had come!

As soon as I sat down she said, "Your son has contacted me. Is it OK for me to speak to him?" Of course I said it was fine, and for over 20 minutes she told me things that made me feel so happy and so at peace that I cried. She told me that, just as I suspected, my son is one of the Crystal Children and that he chose me to be his mother. Almost every characteristic of Crystal Children are ones that my son has, and to finally hear it validated made my heart about bust from relief!

She told me that I had to be careful about what I fed him because he can't tolerate dairy (which I had stopped giving him as a toddler because it made him angry but started again when he was about three) or wheat (which I can't either), and to avoid soy products as well. She also told me that the reason that he isn't sleeping at night is because he's worried about my husband and myself (if he is telepathic as she said, then I am horrified at what he must know about that!), and that my husband's controlling him isn't going to work. I smiled at that because my husband and he have battle of the wills almost as soon as he steps through the door at night, but I quickly lost the humor when she said, "Tell your husband that it isn't what he does, but rather what he thinks. Your son knows and it hurts him to no end." It's true, because I know what my husband thinks sometimes and it isn't anything that any mother would want their child to know! She also reported that my son is upset with me because he doesn't understand why I don't protect him from his father's behavior.

That is when I started to cry; the truth of it about knocked me off of my chair. I struggle internally every time they clash because in my heart I know who my son is and what he needs, but there is also the need for me to allow my husband to raise his child as well. I don't want to be the only parent, but on the flip side I truly understand the conflict within my son...

She also filled me in on the humorous side of my son, like his inability to tolerate buttons (it's true, he refuses to wear any clothing with buttons) because they're "a waste of time," and that he needs more exercise (which threw me because he's in karate, gymnastics, and football) and the trampoline would do just fine for that (by the way, she doesn't know me so there is no way she could know we have one in our backyard). She was laughing as she spoke to him because, as she said, just as he is in body he is in spirit, meaning that his bouncing behavior and speech are just as apparent.

So, now comes the hard part. Changing his diet will be easy (I've already started), but the rest of it is going to take research on my part. I'm also going to have to be careful in how I approach the education aspect because I no longer think that a diagnosis of OCD or ADHD, ADD like they were thinking would be helpful at all. I'm going to have to find alternative schools, I'm sure, and find a gentle way of changing my husbands approach to everything...

This blog is going to be a Godsend to me, because this is where I'm going to do all of my recording and ruminating. I'm ready for the journey!

Swirls of Color

2007-08-05T05:11:00.000-05:00

I have so much going on in my head right now. I've had a horrible time sleeping the past few nights, but strangly enough I never had dreams linked to the things that I'm worried about. Last night was no exception, and I'm starting to feel it's taking a toll on me.

I miss M. Our relationship is fine now, but I really miss here. We don't talk on the phone at all any more, and emails are OK but they're also filled with work stuff... I miss our old relationship. She has a LOT on her mind right now- way more than I could ever handle- and I know she needs her space. I'll still be here when she needs me, but it's hard when something happens and I can't tell her about it because she isn't there...

Ah well, it is what it is, what's done is done and all that... Life goes on as always.

Over

2007-08-04T20:41:00.000-05:00

I can officially say that my friendship that I blogged about is over. My other friendships seem to be on track with a few blips in the screen, but nothing major.

Sometimes saying good-bye is hard in the beginning, but it seems that more often than not the road that follows is much smoother.

As for the tax situation; It's laughable. I told DH that I don't care anymore. It was a favor that was done for us, something that this person didn't have to do, and it's done to the best of their ability. If there's a problem it's their problem, not mine. I'm appriciative and thankful, so their feelings are their own to bear. I'm DONE being in the middle.

Blah

2007-07-25T10:33:00.000-05:00

I am so fucking disgusted right now.

Why can't friendships be easy? I know they're supposed to be, so maybe this is a sign of something bigger. I don't understand it at all.

Understanding

2007-07-23T20:49:00.000-05:00

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

All I want are some stress-free days, relationships that are easy and help me to grow as a person, and normalcy (what ever that is). Why is it that at LEAST once a month there has to be turbulance? And it always seems to be over someone elses shit!

My life is pretty straightforward most of the time. I have great friends (about two who mean the world to me and some others I'm getting to know better), family that has it's ups and downs but that I can trust, and a job I love. It's when another person infultrates my domain that everything becomes so out of whack!

Goes to show that I need to remain truthful to those I love at this very moment, and to trust that they will do the same. I can trust everyone in my life right now, so I think that says it all...

Huh?

2007-07-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

What a mess. What a freaking mess. I don't understand where it all went wrong, but it is SO wrong right now I don't even know if it's salvageable.

I am hoping that it's a big misunderstanding. I hope that this can all be taken care of with a phone call and an explanation... Of course the phone has to actually ring for that to happen. A phone call has to be returned first...

I have a bad feeling. I'm trying to remain optimistic and up-beat about it because I don't truly believe that it's the way it appears, but it's getting harder and harder to let it roll. All that has to happen is a phone call! That's it. WHAT is the problem?!

How Pasts Colide

2007-07-22T07:24:00.000-05:00

We went over there last night to say "good-bye" because they're leaving on a month long trip to Canada (where she is from). She's been drinking heavily lately (which I don't have a problem with, usually), and she's bee totally weird the last two times we've been there, but I thought it was because she is hyper about leaving so long... Last night was the kicker though and we had to leave after about 15 minutes.

She was sitting on her *ss (where she's been for 2 days) drinking wine while HE is frantically trying to pack. She's letting the kids run around WILD and just sits in the chair screaming at them, or at my brother saying "Hey! X is doing Y. Make them stop, would ya?!" The end of it though was when she called the little boy a fag for crying, then an a-hole for "acting like a girl", and then told the little girl to "shut up, I don't want to hear it" when she got hurt playing with the boys...

I called my mother afterward and she is devestated. We talked a lot about it and she is going to talk to her when they get back if this behavior continues. Now, she isn't a gold star kind of mom (in my book!) on her best day, but this type of behavior toward her kids is UNACCEPTABLE! It has never been like this before, and it kills me. As a child of an alcoholic I know what damage can be done and how much it affects your life even when you're "all grown up". My dad NEVER spoke to me that way and I'm still all messed up...

Anyway, I am just heartbroken for the children. I don't care (well I care, but can't control) if HE accepts it as far as HE goes, but these are HIS CHILDREN for God's sake!!!!!! I can't understand how you can let someone talk to your own kids like that.

I feel guilty that I didn't say anything, but is saying something and risking the possibility that I can help further down the line what I want to do? I can see the future pretty clearly; I have a feeling Sean and I (and my parents) are going to be the safe havens for these kids. I would hate to think that would get messed up in any way... Part of it is cowardice, yes, but I also TRULY believe that by staying watchful and stepping in when needed is the best way to handle it. I'm closer and more able to help by being where I am, if that makes any sense at all?

The most messed up part is that we are all from alcoholic families. She is, HE is, my mother, me... and the children, too, apparently.

*sigh* I don't understand how, coming from the past she did, she would want to repeat this pattern.

Ring Around...

2007-07-19T14:04:00.000-05:00

Me, so it seems. I have gotten over seven calls today complete with begging, yelling, snarling, and demands. I cannot help that I cannot get in touch with this person. I have done all I can through text messages, emails, and unanswered phone calls... I don't think this person is even in the State right now.

It is beyond me now. My DH is beyond pissed off- I have never heard him like this before. He loves this person, but he is now questioning things. I have stood up for them and fought him on it, but I am tired. I can't defend someone who is so obviously ignoring things...

I hope this ends soon and without a mar on my friendship. I know this person is capabule of seperating things, but sometimes when people get so angry and hurt they lose sight of all the other stuff...

Middle Man

2007-07-18T11:16:00.000-05:00

I hate being stuck in the middle.

We had a friend do our taxes for us and it has become a nightmare! An extension had to be filed, but our personal taxes are done and have been sent off to IRS land. My DH's business taxes are a whole different story, however! It has been one glitch after another- promises to meet up and then having to cancel. Faxing stuff that doesn't go through. Not returning emails, phonecalls, or text messages.

It's to the point now that DH's business partner is going to get nasty. I have offered to come and get the paperwork, DH has said he'd go get it, but for some reason this person is being evasive. I'm sure it's, in their mind, inconvenient for us to pick the stuff up and they're trying to save us from that, but this constant bullshit from them is driving me crazy! I have to hear about it here at home, and I get constant calls from DH and his partner asking me if I've heard from this person. The problem is that even when DH and I don't talk about it, it's weighing on his mind and I know that. It's making things very uncomfortable.

I know this was a favor and I am thankful, but it's getting silly now. I don't understand why this is turning in to such a big deal, but it had better get resolved soon. It's going to get ugly (according to DH's business partner), and I don't want it to affect our friendship- the IRS is bad enough without getting into relationships!

Understanding

2007-07-18T06:36:00.000-05:00

I went to the gym with my Mom yesterday and as we were driving I told her how nice it is that DS is growing up. I told her about him being able to play in the sprinkler without me having to be there with him 100% of the time, and how much I enjoyed being able to watch him, undedected at times... and she says, "Yeah. You know, it's really too bad that he has to be alone all the time though."

What the fuck?! First of all, what the heck am I?! Secondly- my first m/c was in February and the second one was in May- do you NOT think that I am aware EVERY DAY of my life that I failed at giving my DS a sibling? For heaven's sake, let me get you some salt for my VERY BIG wound!!!!

Ugh.

I am pretty sure it wasn't meant like that, but that's what I heard!

Green Eyes

2007-07-09T11:39:00.000-05:00

I am so pissed off. I am being ugly and hateful and jealous, but I don't care.

D&D get everything they want. They have never had to struggle in their lifetime, and I don't think that they have ever had a tragedy to deal with... ever. D got pregnant this last time because, as she said, "You got pregnant and I figured now was as good a time as any," with no problems. They decided they wanted a different house so they bought a brand new one this month, sold their's at a 100K profit, and they are closing on the 27th.

Do I want something bad to happen to them? No. Do I want them to struggle? No. But, I would like something to come our way at some point. I'm tired of the pain, of the heartache of loss, the worry about money, the stress over "will we ever...", and the constant ball in the pit of my stomach as I lay in wait for the next hurdle life throws at me...

2007-07-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

My boobs hurt and itch. I've had heartburn (like, burning-my-throat-when-I-try-to-talk heartburn) for over 5 days now, and I have cramps. I wish my period would get here already. I've had one cycle since my ectopic and the Methotrexate shot and it wasn't bad leading up to my period, but this cycle is sucking big time.

I know that I shouldn't expect my body to get back on track right away, but I'm really uncomfortable!

At least I've lost almost 10 pounds since the beginning of June...

Virtues

2007-06-10T19:56:00.000-05:00

What a weekend! I feel so refreshed and almost all of the tension has left my shoulders and neck. I really needed this- I got to be ME all weekend and I got to relax and enjoy my own company.

I think I've come to a conculsion: I believe that I'm finally comfortable enough with myself to let what ever happen, happen. If people are distrustful of me, so be it. If people want to believe the worst of me, then that's how it's going to have to be. If there are circumstances that occur where there is a question as to my standing or my 'worth', then that's going to have to be the way it is.

No matter how badly I want everything to be perfect, no matter how hard I try to be the best person I can be, I can't please everyone. I have to be true to myself and to my family first, and the rest of the pieces will have to fall where they may. I know I'm a good person, I know that I've been honset and true in my life (this part, anyway) and I have to put faith in the fact that, because of this, the current will lead where it's supposed to. Stuggling and obsessing is NOT going to help me, being hurt and upset is a waste of time, and anger is so useless... My life is my own to create, and it's up to others if they are willing to be an active participant in it or not.

Bettter

2007-06-06T17:49:00.001-05:00

Things are SO much better. I spoke to M about what ever "IT" was that had gotten in the way and things are much calmer now. The time-line of events still confuse me, but I'll just let it go and be happy that they are as they are.

Have I mentioned how much I love my job? I work 40 hours (well, they're going to be cut back but that's OK) and they can be when I want them to be. I find myself working day and night, but if I want to take Ian to the zoo for a few hours, I have that option. I just make up the time the next day, or that night, or on the weekend... It's so great to be in a job that I believe in, one that treats me well and where I am trusted, and a job that I am actually GOOD at!

It's funny; I find that when I'm trusted to do my job and don't have someone second guessing me at every turn, or distrusting me all the way, I give 110% just because I want to! If only MHC had realized that...

Conflicts

2007-06-01T13:18:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had a friendship that was so deep it was almost like the person was an extension of yourself? Where you can feel their energy when they get close and, although you can't hear them specifically, you know their thoughts?

I have a friend like that. Or, I used to? I don't know any more. M sent me an email which, while still a little vague, at least clued me in to some of her thinking. While I am still confused and upset and hurt at least I have a better understanding of the footing underneath me, unstable though it is.

I replied as honestly and as openly as I could. I laid it all out there for her to see and she can now make her decisions based on that. She is the only person I have ever let get this close to me and my family, and she is the only one whom I have ever basically opened my heart to. She holds it in her hands and it's going to be her decision to destroy it or not.

Funny thing is, where she has sworn never to forgive and to shut all the doors, I have been left the one who's been chastised for closing the door on our friendship. I explained that I was trying to protect myself because I wasn't even being given a chance to do anything about it- I had no other choice. There is no question if I will forgive because that is what I do, until I can't do it any more, that is.

What bothers me the most is that there is some question as to where my loyalty lies. I find it almost laughable because she is the ONLY person in my life that I have defended to the end. She is the one who people know not to talk badly about in front of me (well, it happened one time with D and I did tell her about it this week), and she is the very person who I have fought so hard to keep by my side. She is the only one who's friendship has ever mattered in this whole stupid fucked-up mess.

I can't understand that. How is it that the one person who I should have the least to fear from is the one who's relationship is full of doubt and suspicion? This is the one friendship that I thought I could trust 100%, but I'm seeing that 100% isn't always as it appears.

Why does it have to be like this with women? I don't understand why there has to be jealousy at every turn and why some people just say things to be spiteful and hurtful.

My only way of getting through this right now is to trust that what is meant to be, will be. That by being the best friend I knew how to be I will win this in the end, and whom ever or what ever created this awful mess will get what they so richly deserve.

Still Ticking

2007-05-31T21:11:00.001-05:00

So things with M got worse, but have now started to appear better. I stayed professional in all my contact with her this week but that just seemed to make it worse. I began to be my usual upbeat self and that seemed to have a better effect. She is still wary (I can feel it), but there's nothing I can do about that since I don't know what the problem was in the first place. She may never fully feel the same way as before and, truth be told, I don't know if I will either. Being shut out is the ultimate afront as far as I'm concerned, and I feel almost violated (in a strange way).

I went to Chuck E Cheese tonight with MA. It was supposed to be J, me, and MA, but J ended up not being able to go. I considered canceling, but then I figured, "What the hell?" and went. I'm glad I did. Ian is in LOVE with her daughter and he adores MA... What better judge of character than my son? We talked about a lot of stuff and it was all stuff that I'm totally into, like nutrition, ghosts, and holistic care. It was great!

It's so hard to find people that you can feel at ease with when you're older. I've found that there are a lot more hidden parts to people now that I'm in my 30's. I wonder if it's because of the wounds in our pasts or if it's because I'm just that much more wary than I was?

Women

2007-05-29T22:38:00.001-05:00

Everything is SO messed up.

I am hurt and upset. I am angry and I am sad. I am so... everything... right now that it's hard to make any rational decisions or make any moves about anything.

So, what am I going to do? Nothing. I am going to sit here and wait it out. Something is bound to happen and the pendulum will swing one way or another. This time I am NOT going to persuade it to move in either direction. It will fall where it will.

I will crawl into myself again and I will find out who in my life needs to be here. If I have to wipe the slate clean and leave it that way for now I will. My poor heart can only take so much before it shatters apart completely and I am not willing to let that happen. Not over something so stupid as this is all turning out to be.

Unplugged

2007-05-28T17:59:00.000-05:00

This weekend started out rough. Beginning on Wednesday M was mad at me, and in classic M style, I was ignored. After running through horrible scenarios in my mind I realized that I had nothing to be wary of because I don't do the things I used to that would cause me any stress in regards to my friendships. I don't trash my friends, I don't lie, I don't divulge secrets... That's someones Else's life to live, not mine. I stepped back, told her that I was here when she wanted to talk, and I was not going to chase her down. I got a reply that said 'It isn't anything you did. We'll talk later', and I'm going to have to trust that we will, in fact, talk. It's now Monday and I haven't heard anything, but I do think I know what (or who!) it has to do with.

On Saturday I spent the afternoon with J and MA at McDonald's. The kids had a blast and we were there for over 2 hours! It was great; so relaxed and easy. I didn't have to tiptoe around and I didn't have to hear constant stories about the hardships of their lives... I felt so relaxed when I came home.

Ian napped and then we went to K's house for a bar-b-que. I was nervous at first because Sean didn't come. T and R where there too and I was a bit skeptical about how that was going to go, but all that kept running through my head was "We regret most that which we do not do".

I planned on staying for only an hour, but I ended up staying for about 7 hours. It was SO much fun! It reminded of the days back up north when we'd hang out by the bar-b-Que and drink. We talked and laughed and then laughed some more...

There was some sour stuff to be heard, though. I already knew that there was something screwed up about D and the dynamics between us all, but it is so much more fucked up than I could have imagined. We are guessing that she has a gambling problem because of the money that she's borrowed and things that she's said. Now that we are all discussing this (we were all silent for over a year until one tiny thread got picked apart and the whole thing began unraveling) there are a lot of pieces that don't line up, and those that do create a very ugly picture. Most of it is bad-mouthing stuff, but there is some of it that I can't ignore- like saying I caused my miscarriages and they're my fault totally, that my husband is an asshole because he charged them for getting their car towed (um, it isn't even his tow company) and fixing it.. And then there's the bullshit she's being saying about M.

Now, I know that battle isn't mine to be fought, but I'm so disgusted that someone could say such mean and hurtful things about someone I love and then totally be a 'friend' once they got money from them. It's disgusting. She's caused more than one relationship to end (K and M specifically I'm thinking about which is a real shame), and has caused distrust and hurt in others. I'm sick of it and I'm DONE with her. Now I just have to sort out where my anger ends and M's should begin. And, I have to think about how to talk to her (since I believe D is part of what happened)- what I should tell her and what I shouldn't. D did say some things to me about her a long time ago but I stopped it short. I think I need to tell M but I have to be sure that she isn't going to get mad at me for not saying something before now. Shit.

So that was Saturday night. Sunday during the day I hung out over at my parents and then went to Target. Took and nap and then Sean, Ian, me, and my MIL went to Downtown Disney for a few hours. We had a blast and Ian was so good! We got home super late and slept in until 9am this morning.

This afternoon we went to a cookout at MA's house and had a good time. She is SO much like me it's amazing. We have a ton in common and she lives so close to me that I have a feeling we'll be hanging out a lot more from now on. She's hoping to have a get-together once a month, so that will be really nice.

Now I'm inspired to get our house fixed up and to get our backyard done so we can have people over. I'm tired of waiting for invitations when I could be handing out some of my own!

Anyway, part of the reason my weekend was so good was that I turned my computer off. Specifically my Yahoo!360 where people seem to post secret messages, vague references, and true feelings without giving people the decency to hear it first from their 'friends'. It seemed to be a great way to breed jealously and hurt feelings, and I just don't want to live in those shadows any more!

So Tired

2007-05-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

I must have been an exhausting person to deal with. I was always negative, never happy, always finding the bad in every situation.

I hate that I was like that. I must have missed out on a lot that life had to offer me- I'm sure that countless things passed me by because I was too busy looking at the darkness instead of the light.

I worked hard to become the person I am now. I had to re-learn how to think positively and I had to teach myself to turn a deaf ear to negative thoughts. I'm not saying I'm prefect, but I am far from the downtrodden, unhappy person I once was and I'm so happy that I was able to overcome the way my life was going. If there's anyone walking on this earth who really should be dead, that would be me. There is no reason that I should be alive, other than pure blind luck or, as I'd like to think, I'm here for a reason- that I'm going to be useful somewhere down the line.

Anyway, back to the negative thinking: I know a few people like that now and I am so tired of hearing it! It's always something or someone who's against them, or they're 'owed' something, or the Universe is unfair in every way... ARGH! I feel sorry for them and I am interested in their lives (let's face it, I still like to e in the 'know', LOL!), but emotional turmoil that's constant is exhausting!

As I heard a week ago: If you're tired of hearing the same old story, of living a life of anxiety and sadness, then STOP telling the story!

Truth

2007-05-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

I get so damn angry at him and today, just now, I figured it out. I figured out why.

It's when he gets too close. It's when I feel like this outer cover is cracking I get mad. I snap and lash out, because what lies underneath is too fragile and too much for him to ever know. It's too much to expect him to handle and accept.

Still Nothing

2007-05-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

My next set of numbers came back badly. They are 148 now. Another check-mark in the ectopic box.

The doctor said if my numbers kept rising that they want to give me a methotextrate shot for ectopic pregnancy. M spoke to our boss and she said that I should refuse and demand exploratory surgery. If they say no, to find a second opinion. The shot is used for cancer patients. CANCER PATIENTS!!!!

Ian is sick. He has bronchitis, an ear infection, and sinusitis. It's been hell here, pure hell...

Repeat

2007-04-27T09:01:00.000-05:00

We called and got the results from Quest this morning at around 8am. The result is not good- my numbers went from 130 to 142. A slow rise which could mean its etopic. Or not. It could mean a regular slow miscarraige. It could mean that I'm in danger, or it could mean that I'm safe. It could mean... Well, anything.

This time is different.

It's different because I never thought it was going to end like this. I knew about the other one- I knew in a place that I can never really explain because I knew before I even got pregnant that I wasn't going to go to term. I don't know how I knew it, but I felt it.

It's different because I am sad this time. Really and truly sad, all the way to the very core of my being.

It's different because I feel like a failure. I feel like an honest-to-God failure and there is nothing I can do about it. This isn't a "one of those things" situations, but rather a "there's something wrong with you and it's never going to be the same." I can't do what a woman should be able to do. I have failed. My body has failed yet again.

It's different because I can't face my son. Last time I wrapped myself in his love and it made everything right in my world, but this time I can't. I tried to look him in the eye and I couldn't do it. I have failed him. The one thing I want to give him, the very thing that I want to give him more than anything else, I can't do. I have failed twice. I can't even speak to him because it makes me cry. I cry from a place in my heart that I didn't even know existed.

I hate this place and I don't ever want to be here again.

How can I face him? How can I face my own son? How can I continue with this life that is so brand new to me, a life that I am hating at this very moment? My life wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this hard, this hurtful, this unfair.

I am in agony this time.

This time is different because I am mad at the Universe. I have never, ever felt this way. I have always been able to see the 'why' or have managed to find the positive in everything. Not this time. This time I feel betrayed by the very life that I had grown to love. I feel so angry that I don't even care about what kept me strong before.

It's different because I wanted this so badly. It's different because I thought that maybe this time there was a chance, that the Universe had been just that kind to me, that I was getting a miracle. I thought that maybe I had been pregnant with twins and I had lost one, but the singleton remained and we would be welcoming a new being into our lives.p

It's different because I can feel that it's changed me this time. I'm not the same. I feel empty and hollow. I feel... different.

So The Story Goes

2007-04-25T16:36:00.000-05:00

I went for the sonogram and they couldn't find anything other than a cyst on my left ovary which "could be the egg implanting in the uterine wall". There was also some thickening of the lining.

So, how'd I get a positive HPT? No one knows. It's a mystery.

I'm still miscarrying though. My progesterone is WAY too low; it's only 4.3 and that isn't even as much as there should be mid-luteal phase, so it can't sustain an egg. I have no idea what my HCG numbers are because the lab screwed up and did the wrong test, but it doesn't matter- the progesterone says it all.

What the FUCK is wrong with me?!

And, stupidly, I allowed a momentary glimmer of hope. I thought that maybe I'd beat the odds this time. I thought that maybe the Universe might think that I'm a good mother and deserve this baby, and that I had a possible chance of having my dream recognized.

Fuck it. FUCK IT!

Unbe-freaking-lievable

2007-04-24T09:09:00.000-05:00

I am having yet another miscarraige.

I didn't know I was pregnant even. I took a pregnancy test to rule it out as a factor in this mid-cycles bleeding, and 4 tests later, I am definitely pregnant. Or, I was.

I wish I hadn't tested. I wish I hadn't known. It's hard to stay detached when it's something that I've wanted for as long as I knew what babies were. And now to lose 2?! What the fuck is going on?!

I have a sonogram in less than an hour and then I meet with the doctor. Maybe I'll have some answers after that... I really don't want to hear "It's just one of those things," because it can't be. The Universe cannot be that cruel, can it?

Since Things Have Begun to Wind Down

2007-04-04T15:24:00.000-05:00

I find myself here again.

Life is great- I'm LOVING my new job, and working with Melissa is fantastic. There isn't any strangeness that she is my boss, and she's totally relaxed about the way I structure my days since I get my stuff done. I've gotten quite a bit accomplished, but I had my BEST connection today with a local health food store. I can't give up too many details yet, but it has the potential to be big!

Had a PG scare this month. I'm not entirely ready yet, and I got a false positive HPT. I know, "no such thing", but in this case there was because two of us got positives- and she ended up going to the doctor and there was no sign of pregnancy. I've taken 3 tests since and I was negative. I was nervous since my date of ovulation was delayed and I thought I was safe, but it all looks to be OK. The only thing that weighs on me now is that Ian told me that there's a boy baby in Mommy's tummy now. Hmmm...

Me

2007-02-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

It smells like Spring.

Usually I have a day of serious depression, but so far nothing. I've been loving life and all I have in it, and I haven't had time for regrets.

I love Florida. There's been the beach, Busch Gardens, and NEVER having to close the windows... and it's February! It just rained and it smells like April in New England- God, I love it here. There aren't the months of of cold and sadness and death and endings... it's always new here.

I've been lucky in that I can sit in my living room and have the front door opened. I've never had to worry about low-income areas, of not being safe, of being a statistic... If it's going to happen, than it's going to happen, but it isn't going to be because of my situation... And I'm so, so very blessed.

My life is wonderful. It's is something to be thankful of every day, and I'd like to think that I've become mature enough to realize that.

Strange

2007-02-22T07:11:00.000-05:00

What is going on? I don't believe in coincidences but, even if I did, this would be too much:

I got PG on either Christmas Eve or Christmas day. So did C, E, two patients at work, and as I found out last night, K (my voice teacher's wife) did too. All of us, but one, have lost our babies.

That is too strange... M and I are doing a sort of unofficial study on environmental instances around that time (Christmas), and my mom thinks that something may happen around the time of our due dates... I just don't know. M has contacted her friend in the weather service and he's going to get us charts and reports. I've found this link to weather events around the world. I don't know if this is the 'usual' amount of phenomenon or not, but it seems like a few things went on. Strangest are the tornado's that hit here in Florida on Christmas which is very uncommon.

As I said, it's too bizarre.

Irony

2007-02-20T07:35:00.000-05:00

I found out last night that C is probably going to miscarry her baby too. WTF is going on?!

Can too many negative thoughts cause something like this? I know that I sort of "gave up" on my pregnancy and it ended badly, and I know that I was not the only person to have some negative thoughts about hers... But I truly didn't want this to happen to her. I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone! By thinking 'I wish she could understand the heartache' I didn't mean that I wanted her to live it too...

Chasing a Dream

2007-02-19T08:24:00.000-05:00

You know, I can only do this for so long.

I don't understand what I did, but it must have been pretty bad to be totally ignored. Short of driving by and demanding to be seen I guess I've done what I can to try and contact them.

I'm in an awkward situation now and, if it ever gets resolved, I'm going to be SURE that I never let it happen again. I don't know how, but it's a goal.

Star Struck

2007-02-17T08:35:00.000-05:00

The men in my life kill me.

We were in bed last night and Growing Pains was on. Feeling like I needed to share some GP knowledge I told him that Brad Pitt and Hillary Swank were on episodes of the show. Sean asks, "Brad Pitt... Brad Pitt...? Was he the one that was married to Jennifer Aniston?"

I told him that it was, and he says "I always get those guys confused. You know, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp... And who's that guy who played the pirate?"

"Johnny Depp?" I asked him. "Yeah," he answered, "See, I get them confused."

Yes. I see that.

Then, this morning, I was awakened by the sun in my room (strange for me since it's usually Ian that wakes me up) and I coughed. Suddenly, from somewhere beneath the burrows of the quilt I hear, "Mommy! You scared me!" When the heck had Ian gotten there?! How long had he been in my room? I could have rolled over on him and killed him without even knowing it.

I'm ready for spring. I hate being a hostage in my own home because of the cold.

Not Again!

2007-02-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Fuck.

How did I mess up again?! I don't do it on purpose. In fact it seems like the more I become the person I want to be, the more my fuck-ups affect others.

I hurt M's feelings badly today. It was totally unintentional. I met with D to have coffee this morning and we talked for a while. I didn't even think to tell M because our meeting was so far removed from her situation with D that I thought it was just another day. I meet up with D and K once a month (about for coffee) so this was nothing new for me...

My mistake.

I guess if you look at is a lying by omission then I did fuck up. When we spoke on the phone today I told her nothing out of the ordinary happened today... and I meant that. Meeting with D wasn't out of the ordinary for me so I didn't even think to mention it as an exciting fact for the day.

Anyway, I wouldn't have known anything was wrong if I hadn't read her blog and realized that she thinks I somehow fucked her over. I spoke to DH about it and he says that I should have told her because of their history... I was pissed at first but now I get it.

I sent her an e-mail appoligizing if my meeting had upset her... I can't make her accept my appology but I hope she does. She's been a great source of comfort to me and I'd hate to think that we'd lose a friendship over something that was just another day for me.

Dine Time

2007-02-13T08:01:00.000-05:00

Went out to eat with my friend, her husband, and their daughter and I mentioned that the next time I become pregnant I'm going to have to watch that I don't become neurotic. I was saying that I'm going to have a hard road to travel, and she rolled her eyes at me, saying "We're all going to have a hard road with you!"

Thanks for that.

Today is C's u/s. I'm trying to be supportive but my mind is thinking some very dark things... Things that aren't fair and make me ashamed.

My emotions are seriously hard to handle. One minute I'm excited and planning for the future, and then next moment I feel a sadness in my heart that almost crushes me.

Am I ever going to be 'me' again? I worked so hard to become the optimistic, light-hearted, positive-spin person I have become, and now I feel like I've lost her somewhere underneath this horrible event. I do have some positive bright spots on why this happened but my soul is having a hard time holding on to them... I don't want to lose myself to this!

One thing is for sure; I am forever changed. I know that every event of every day changes us in one way or another, but this has really opened my eye to not only myself, but to the people around me.

I am not so good with change.

Salt

2007-02-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

So... one of my friends announced her pregnancy with the same due date I had.

That sucks.

I was able to congratulate her since it isn't about me, but then she e-mailed me and told me she spotted a little bit and it "scared" her. Really? Am I now the one to offer consoling?

Fuck that.

Numb

2007-02-09T08:50:00.000-05:00

After meeting with my favorite doctor and being told there was no growth from last week, I decided to go ahead with the d&c. We went over the risks involved but I just wanted it done with as soon as possible. The only part that gave me pause was when she told me I'd have to wait 3 cycles (when the last doctor told me 1) but I figured all of my dreams were destroyed anyway, so who cared?

I was able to sit with Sean until the moment they wheeled me off, and from just about the moment I woke up he was there. They told me I was "the fastest person" they ever saw come out of anesthesia (I've heard that before) and I was out the hospital by 4:30pm I think. I found out something, something I can't say to Sean: Since the moment he walked into the admissions room/pre-op I have never been more in love with a person. He walked in, totally surprising me because I told him not to come because I knew he had to work, and I felt all the knots in my stomach release and this big warm feeling of love just flow right through my body. It's almost like he fulfilled something within our relationship that I didn't even know I needed! It was like everything was all right again...

Anyway, the surgery went as well as can be expected. I woke up crying though, asking what they had done with my baby and saying I was sorry... That didn't last too long, but it scared me. Sean was NOT there for that part.

I was able to eat Chinese food for dinner (diet will start Monday) so that was good. I told Sean that I was "glad" he had shown up and I think he really needed to hear that. I also asked him if he was mad at me (I didn't even know I was thinking that), and he said that he wasn't...

I'm extremely emotional; the least little thing makes me turn into a mess of tears- you know, those silent ones that just slide down your face without you making a sound? Yeah, those are great. I can also swing over to the angry side but that side scares me. I'm not an angry person and this type of anger makes me nervous. It's different from every kind of anger that I've ever felt before and it's hard to explain... When I was driving to pick up my check yesterday I cried and felt sorry for myself, and by the time I got there I started to get a bit mad... by the time I hit 75 on my way home I was so furious I wouldn't have cared of I had run over someone. Swear to God I was that mad. All I could do was think about people like my SIL who have had 4 kids without even batting an eye... the people on drugs who get pregnant by accident and have babies... people who have no problems as all. This wasn't supposed to be ME! Then when the girl called from the office saying they would take me that day; that was the end of it for me. That was the end of the road, the final chapter to my pregnancy story. Finality, and I was completely defeated.

So... I'm going to take some more pills when I drop Ian off. I wanted to to to Wild Oats but my whole family is going to the State Fair (that also made me cry) so I'm just going to stay home... As for this weekend, I'm all for going to Crazy Buffet for sushi, Chinese food, stir fry, and a lot of alcohol for me!!!! A celebration of sorts, I guess. As my friend said, "We will toast to the life you created and to the fact that the future will bring you and her together again!"

End of the Road

2007-02-08T07:54:00.000-05:00

In just an hour and a half I'll have my answers.

In re-evaluating myself I've changed my mind and decided that this is probably the end. I can't really imagine that I'd be given a second miracle child. I think that's too much for one person.

I just wish they could look at me and say "No, I'm sorry," and let me be on my way. I don't want to sit in the waiting room, I don't want to talk to the doctor about my options... I just want to go away...

Secrets

2007-02-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

I have this tiny piece of me that's hoping for a miracle on Thursday. Thursday is the day when they'll evaluate how far my m/c has progressed this week...

Why am I thinking a miracle? Because I'm just as sure that everything is OK as I was that there was something wrong. Isn't that odd? It may just be that things are progressing correctly so I feel OK about it all, but my heart is obviously hanging on to the 30% chance they gave me.

It doesn't help that two people, one of who's intuition is something I've come to trust, has told me that they 'feel' everything is going to turn out alright and that I'll see a heart beat on Thursday.

False hope? Maybe. Will that make it harder to bear when I hear the pregnancy is doomed? Probably. But, it has made this whole week a lot easier to take.

Anger

2007-02-03T08:28:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling anger now, so I'm beginning to heal.

I keep thinking of everyone who said, "It's OK!" and "It's so early yet," or "Doctors make mistakes all the time!" Worst of it was "You're making everyone stress. When are you going to enjoy this?"

Fuck you all. I knew there was something wrong. I told you all, even told you what the doctors said, and you STILL gave me cause to hope. Even when the numbers were coming back wrong and I knew in my soul, you all still told me that I was 'crazy' and that everything was going to be 'wonderful'.

This is NOT wonderful. This is awful and painful and so sad for me...

Moving On

2007-02-02T08:30:00.000-05:00

There is so much about us as beings that we don't know. How did I know there was a problem with this pregnancy a week before I was told? How did my heart learn that the baby had died before I ever heard the words? Is it hormonal, or is it a sixth sense that we so foolishly don't use?

I'm better today. Mel sent me flowers that were delivered last night. I cried all over the delivery man and his paperwork... I think I scared him.

I had a dream that I had just delivered my next child- a girl. I was standing there starting at her, thinking about this baby that I lost. Ian came into our room at that time and climbed into bed with me, waking me up. This child has the most impeccable timing lately. For the past two weeks he's been able to tell when I need a hug, or when I need to be woken up because of a dream. He's like the part of my heart that I'm afraid to look at too often, if that makes sense. The only thing that's upset me so far is when I told him there was no baby; that she was sick and had to go back where they could make her well again. He looked me in the eye and said, "No, Mommy, baby is in there! Baby girl!" He then pet my stomach and said, "Silly sister..."

I'm going to our jeweler today to ask him to design me something with a Garnet. I hope he won't charge me too much but the fact is it doesn't matter all that much; this is something for my heart, and how much would I pay for that right now? I'm also going to plant carnations and get a memory stone. My mom thinks I'm nuts, but it's my way of moving on. She likes to 'forget and move on' but I like to remember. I don't think of this as something to forget because it happened to me for a reason and I'm proud of this child that was... She only blessed our lives for a few weeks but she will bless my heart forever!

Strange Coninsidence

2007-02-01T19:08:00.000-05:00

I remembered my dream about the Angles blessing me with two baby girls, one of which I would have to return to them. One of the babies name was Maggie.

I am seeing this name everywhere right now. It's on the TV, in books I'm reading, stuff I'm seeing on the computer... It's so odd.

I'm looking for 'rememberance' jewlery right now, and I'm going to find a nice memory stone for the garden. I'm going to plant carnations (January's flower) tomorrow... Good thing I live in Florida!

Missing You

2007-02-01T13:39:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm not as together as I thought I was. Maybe I had a glimmer of hope that it was all OK, or had some delusion that I would be lucky enough for two miracles, because this confirmation of loss is squeezing my heart so badly I feel like I'm alone in this strange place... I think it's a combination of disbelief that this REALLY happened combined with something I'm not too familiar with; fear and loneliness.

I've come so far in my inner searching that I had forgotten what this felt like. As one of my favorite 'feelers' has always said, "God will always find a way to humble you". Is this what this is all about? Humbling me? Or have I been given a gift- the gift of saving a child from a lifetime of anguish? Or maybe the gift of learning?

I don't know and, to be honest, I'm too tired to figure it all out right now...

Over

2007-01-26T08:10:00.000-05:00

I know it's over. Deep in my heart, I know it. I have no more 'symptoms' of the pregnancy, and my whole soul feels that there is no spirit growing inside of me.

I'm OK. Well, I'm not 'OK', but I did a lot of thinking last night. I read a lot of miscarriage support boards on the Internet and some things came to light, things that I need to keep reminding myself of.

One of those things is the fact that this is God's way of sparing this little spirit a life of turmoil. If the pregnancy ended then there was a reason for it, and I'm glad that it happened so early on, and that I didn't have a child that would be miserable in life due to some chromosome issues.

Another blessing is that it didn't happen in the 12th week, or the 20th week... or the 40th week. I may be a strong person, but I don't think that I could survive that. I may be a bit attached to this 'thing' inside of me, but it was more an attachment to what could have been, not to what is presently. I can still grieve, but it will be grieving over my loss of a dream, not the loss of an actual child.

Sean is great, but he's such a man. He tells me that 'nothing is wrong', that 'someone messed up and the little monster is fine'. Then he says that even if it wasn't fine, he isn't 'fixed' yet and we'll just 'do it all again'. That's all true, and if I look at it like a man, it doesn't bother me at all that he said it.

I'll always think of this little spirit as someone who stepped into my life and gave me dreams... Even if those dreams only lasted three weeks.

Numbers

2007-01-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I think I know what the outcome is going to be.

As I sat here I kept going through the numbers, and it's impossible. I got a positive HPT on the 9th of January and then got my blood work done that day. The numbers put me at 2 to 2.5 weeks.... and now on the 25th I'm at 3 weeks?

There is just no physically possible way for this to work out.

Mystery

2007-01-25T12:06:00.000-05:00

I went for my OB appointment today and it's an odd turnout.

I went for the sonogram and at first she couldn't find anything. She told me my bladder was too full, so I went to the bathroom and we tried again. Now, because of how I've been feeling anyway, I was frantic by this point. She looked and looked, and then said, "Oh, I see a sac, but there's no yolk in there. I can't see anything."

My heart about broke into a million pieces right there. I knew there was something wrong. Women's intuition. Suddenly, she said, "Oh wait! There is is. That's a much better shot. O.K, so you measure about 5 weeks which would put you at 3 weeks post-conception."

Anyone can do the math and see that isn't right. I had sex 3 times this cycle; twice on Christmas Eve and once on Christmas Day.

She told me we'd "skip" the meeting with the doctor and reschedule me for 2 weeks when things are 'farther along'. I basically told her to take the vaginal Doppler and shove it, because I was talking to someone who would help me figure out what the fuck was going on.

I waited for Dr. Brown and cried the whole time. I have no nails left either, because they are sitting in a pile underneath the chair I was sitting in.

Dr. Brown came in and was all smiles. She said that everything was developing normally and that there were no signs of anything amiss. I smiled back at her and said, "But it isn't medically possible. There is no way that this is good."

We did the numbers. We played around with the wheel. We counted backward and forward, and there is still NO WAY that this is right. Something is wrong here. Very, very wrong.

She did an internal and said everything 'felt' fine. We talked some more and she said that it's 'possible' that this happened. That she's seen 'stranger things' (like what? I wanted to ask), and that we'd do blood work today and again on Saturday to be sure things are doubling as they should. She thinks perhaps the sperm survived longer than usual, or that I ovulated early, or had sex and forgot (?)...

So, now the waiting game begins. I have my moments of full out crying, of being mad, and of being completely optimistic.

I guess now is the time to really lean on my spirituality. I think I need to count on the Universe to be kind to me, to do what needs to be done for the good of me and my family... I know that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason isn't apparent on the surface.

Feelings

2007-01-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

I have the most horrible feeling that something is wrong. I'm so scared about my appointment tomorrow! I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst... I just have this feeling that something is terribly, horribly wrong...

Scared

2007-01-24T06:54:00.000-05:00

I'm terrified that I'm going to find out I miscarried tomorrow. I had such a bad night Monday night, with really bad cramps, that I'm scared they're going to tell me that I lost the baby. I have NO symptoms now and couple that with the fever... I'm scared, and I'm sad.

I know there's nothing they could do anyway...

Dreams

2007-01-23T06:55:00.000-05:00

I don't like having my vivid dreams right now.

Last night was terrible, horrific, disgusting. I dreamed that I miscarried and they were blaming me because I had been going to the gym. I kept having this dream and it was horrible! I turned down the A/C in hopes that it would settle me down but it didn't work.

It was so graphic and so horrible... I had bad cramps from 2:30 to 3:30 and that didn't help my mind at all.

What a horrible night!

The Beginning

2007-01-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

Up until today, this pregnancy was a lot like my last one. I've had no morning sickness to speak of and I feel good. The only difference had been my energy level, which is really high and wasn't with my first (I felt dead half the time). I have even been gagging on my prenatal vitamin which happened last time as well.

This marked the beginning of something new; nausea. I'm happy I missed it the first time around! It's awful! It starts at 4am and by 6 I'm pretty uncomfortable. I'm hungry but can't eat. I went to NS today to give my 30 day notice and I coughed in the parking lot... and then spent two minutes gagging. Honestly, the coughing made me gag! What is THAT all about?

I also had a very odd dream last night, involving Radio Flyer wagons, mentally ill clients, and a fairground. Interesting.

Anger

2007-01-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

It's funny what a letdown it can be when you've gotten yourself all worked up and pissed off and the situation ends up getting resolved easily, LOL.

I printed and add for an Open House in the local paper and it ended up getting put in the "Rental" section! I was so majorly pissed off I called up the paper and was ready to get my guns ablazein'... But in an instant they asked me what they could do to make it right. I was literally speechless for a moment!

Telling the Truth

2007-01-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

I worried about how to tell Sean for two days. I had decided to either get him flowers "from" the new baby, or to have Ian "write" him a thank you card. Upon advice from my friends I decided on the Thank You card.

I got Ian into the tub with his Lavender Baby Wash and scrubbed him from head-to-toe. I dressed him in the cutest pair of PJs he owns (red fleece) and we wrote Daddy's Thank You card which read: "Dear Daddy, thank you for making me a big brother. I love you! Ian" I held his hand and had him write it, but it was really him, LOL.

I was on pins and needles waiting for Sean to come home and near about passed out when he called to say that he was going to help his mom get her Christmas tree out of the house and he'd be late getting home!!! I had been alternating between tears and anxiety all day so this was some letdown!

When Daddy did come home Ian opened the door for him as usual and handed him the card. Daddy took it into the kitchen and said, "Wow, a card from my guy! Thank you! What's it for?"

He opened it and began reading it outloud. "Dear Daddy, thank you for making me a big broth-" and his jaw hit the floor. He started at me for a few seconds as I sat in the fetal position on the couch and then he said, "No! Really? Wow! I told you!" then he came over and hugged me.

It went really well! He even seems somewhat excited about it- I think the fact that I'm going to be making decent money now he can relax a bit and enjoy it this time. I'm more relaxed this time around too and it shows! Goes to show you that men CAN surprise you at times!!!

He was a little shocked that Melissa and my Mom knew before him, but I told him I told Mel because I had to get my blood work done before I told him, and that I told my Mom because I was going to burst! I didn't tell him I told Crystal. I dont' think he'd have liked that she's known the battle to have another child and such and that I told her before him!!!

Sometimes Generic IS Best!

2007-01-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

I'm pregnant! 2 to 2.5 weeks to be exact. M did a blood draw to be sure... And here it is.

I can't believe it. I don't think it's sunk in yet! I'm so afraid something is going to happen; that I'll miscarry early and be devestated.

M is more excited than I am, LOL. She's been crying and planning... I just adore her. I didn't have any of that my last pregnancy. I was totally alone... completely alone other than DH. This time I have friends and all my family around... I'm so blessed.

Torture!

2007-01-08T19:05:00.000-05:00

Am I pregnant or not?

I took a CVS generic test first thing this morning and it came up a slight positive. I didn't believe it so I took a Fact Plus after about a half hour and it came up negative. I went to the gym, and then I decided I "had to know" so I got First Response and took it at the store, LOL. That one came back negative too.

However; I've heard some interesting things from some friends since then. Supposedly generic brands can detect lower levels of the pregnancy horomone. Someone else mentioned that I didn't wait long enough to take the second one... Ugh!

So, we'll see what tomorrow brings. I have another FR so I'll take that first thing.

Girls Will be Girls

2007-01-05T13:23:00.000-05:00

Two faced people make me crazy.

It's funny because it seems that all I ever do is stick up for people, or spend time reminding people that there's good in everyone, yet I end up the one being ignored or passed over. Is it the whole 'squeaky wheel' theory, or just my cross to bear in life?

D and K used to tell me how much T got on their nerves, was a follower, blah blah blah, but now the tune has changed! When M and I were left out of the 'friend bar-b-que' last year it was, "Wow, how mean!" and "We said no right away!" Now that T got her little feelings hurt because she heard that 'some people' don't like her much any more, everyone is sending her flowers, calling her, telling her how badly they feel for her.

I didn't see ANYONE doing that for me. I didn't hear ONE PERSON say they were sorry about how I was treated, how my feelings must have been hurt... nothing. Not ONE DAMNED THING!

********************************************************************************
After taking a shower and thinking about it, I realized what it is about it that really bothers me. It was the statement of: "I could never be friends with someone like that," that really makes me hurt... Because they are. And they fight for her. And they hurt for her...

Happy New Year

2007-01-02T19:55:00.000-05:00

Well, the new year is almost here.

It's funny that the year is almost over. I cannot believe the changes that happened this year! Not only within my family and our circumstances, but within myself as well. I have never been more secure with myself, and I have certainly never been as happy with the person I am... and that I'm becoming.

It's been a long time since I could say that I'm actually proud of myself, and that I'm proud of what I've accomplished. There is nothing that I'm ashamed about doing, there's nothing that I wish I hadn't done, and the are so many things that I can't believe I did! I have made some truly wonderful friends, met some people that have become integrated parts of my soul, and have met one person who, I'm pretty sure, was sent to me by Angels... or who, at the very least, had the decency to let me into their life and to help me begin my journey into this new place I have found myself in.

I've been able to let go of a lot this year too. Anger, resentment, insecurity... I have been able to back away from situations that had the potential to return me to the place I worked so hard at leaving, I have liked myself enough to stand up for what I believe in, and I've shown myself that I am worth the good things in life, not the negativity that I have always found myself drawn to.
I have so very much to be thankful of.

This year I hope to do more learning and more growning. I hope to become an even better person and I hope to begin giving more. I want to share what I know with people who I think would benefit from it. I want to be a better friend to some people, and I want to work at spending more time outside of myself (sometimes I get so wraped up in 'life' and 'learning' that I forget that part of life is living it!). I plan to jump into this new 'job' that I've been blessed enough to get with both feet; I am excited to do all I can and I'm ready to face my fears and any insecurities that may occur.

For all the crap that 2006 handed me, I am thankful. To see who I have become and who I have the potential to be is something that I thought I'd never see... Thank you.

Come on, 2007! I'm ready for you!

Same Old Ride

2006-12-27T17:27:00.000-05:00

Ian is sick again. We've been SO lucky this season that I can't complain too much. I've been doing all the things my holistic classes have taught me and it's kept him off the steroids until last night. He woke us up with croup and I though that would be the end of it, but he seems to be worse. We just did two asthma treatments in a row with a dose of the strong-stuff cough medication inbetween, but he's still wheezing. He has a fever now too, so I'm pretty sure we'll have a trip to Urgent Care or the ER tonight.

Not too bad for winter though! Is it sad that I'm estatic that we've only been twice so far this winter? Reading it all back it seems somewhat depressing.

Christmas

2006-12-25T23:41:00.000-05:00

Today, the family Christsas part of it, was wonderful. Sean and I opened our gifts and then waited for Ian to wake up. He bulldozed his way through everything and we then headed over to Mimi and Poppy's house where we spent the day eating and laughing with family. Then we came home for an hour to wind down, and then it was off to Sean's dad's house.

I got a call from my friend while all of this was happening. She decided go to the ER to get her heart checked out due to the pain... and I was scared. I spent the rest of the evening worrying about her until she called me, asking for me to come pick her up.

Long story short is that she is very sick. Sick and she was alone because her husband and daughter are in MI without her. So, of course Sean and I left to get her. She ended up refusing treatment and 'snuck out' of the hospital. We met her and drove to Denny's where the rest of disgruntled America had ended up this evening. We talked, she hurt, we talked some more, we laughed... and I'm still scared. I'm scared for her and I'm scared for selfish reasons as well.

I know she's terrified of all that's happening and all that's going to happen, but I'm hoping that she follows through with what she has decided to do. The world needs a person like her in it... And I need her in my life.

Christmas Eve

2006-12-24T21:51:00.000-05:00

is here. The night with my family is done and it was... something.

Where has the magic gone? I remember sitting around the Christmas tree sipping on wine, opening presents and talking about whatever came to mind. I remember laughing at what we got eachother, or oh-ing and ah-ing over a special gift... The night usually took a few hours and and come away feeling so happy and peaceful and renewed.

Not so much now. Now it's a whirlwind of kids and wrapping paper and 'is this my present?' and rushing because one child or another is getting out of control. It's Krissy screaming and the kids howling and the constant 'where-is-so-and-so?'... There's no time to enjoy what thought was put into the gifts, and no time for reflecting on life and love and blessings.

Perhaps if they could get a handle on their family and try to get some order into life it would be different. Maybe if I had another child it would be different and I could relate to why their kids are the way they are and thus be more understanding because, let's face it, at this point it just angers me. Or, it could be that I just have to relax and face the fact that every year is going to be different and I'm going to have to accept the changes for what they are and find the good in them.

I am trying.

Remember When

2006-12-14T16:07:00.000-05:00

I cleaned out the office today (mostly). I have this great need to get rid of stuff to make room for the new chapter's in my life. I'm tired of the crap and I need to get on with it.

I tossed a bunch of stuff that I've been holding on to for whatever reason. It felt good, although I hope that in another few months I'll be willing to let go of even more.

I found some pictures of myself that made me cry. I miss the old days sometimes. I miss going to Gasparilla and not giving a damn about what time I got back home and if I was too drunk to see straight. I miss going to the football games back home and making it a full Sunday experience with tailgating beforehand. I miss hanging out at the house in Scituate with my friends and playing at the beach, cooking out and inviting everyone from the street. I miss my hair! I miss the body I used to have and used to complain about. I miss the younger me, the me with so few responsibilities, the one who didn't have to worry about everything all the time, who was fun and carefree and had everything in the world to look forward too because life hadn't even started for her yet... Limitless possibilities were out there and mine to grab! I miss myself so much sometimes... And really, I miss my hair!!!!!!!!!

Where does the time go? I'm only in my 30's and I feel like a kid with grown-up things to do. I worry about my marraige, I worry about Ian's health, I worry that I'm not doing enough, not giving enough, not being enough for everyone.

I see movies about things, I see pictures from different times in my life, and I really can't put my finger on "it", but I miss it so much sometimes... I ache.

Fear

2006-12-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

It's sitting on my heart and is making it hard to breathe.

I found a lump on Ian's head. I'm sure it's nothing, but I got him an appointment with the doctor (he's due for his 3 year-old check-up anyway) for Wednesday morning. Thank goodness Ovi is back in the office becuase he'll do what ever tests I want done...

For some reason I have been dragging my feet about getting his lab work done. I don't know why, but I have. I've decided not to question it and just follow my instincts for whatever reason they are telling me NOT to do this.

I'm not going to freak out about this. I'm sure he's fine. He is FINE.

What's Going on in There?

2006-12-08T22:24:00.000-05:00

Am I really so defined by my profession?

OK, things with my Dad got pretty bad. I mean, so bad that I was getting sick to my stomach every day going in to work. My father and I have such a strange love-hate relationship anyway that this constant anger and unhappiness was getting to bee too much... I couldn't handle it anymore.

I put my feelers out and was immediately, about 30 minutes after putting it all out there, was offered at job at 40 hours a week doing something I love. The best part is that it's for almost double what I have EVER made for doing something and it's for a product I think is so important! How could I say no to that?

Well, two problems, both stemmed in guilt. My dad/family business, and the contract I had signed just two weeks ago.

The short version is that I'm going to work 25 hours a week at the new job until I can back out of the contract gracefully. That will also allow me to finish all the continuing ed I need to take for the real estate stuff, and get Ian's health stuff straight. After that I'll move to either 30-40 hours a week (I'm leaning toward 40) with 2 days in the office, 3 at home (or where-ever).

The issue that's bouncing around in my head right now is: Do I really want to have another baby? After all the fighting, and struggling, and heartache, now I'm questioning it all? WTF is the matter with me? Was I so unhappy professionally that I manifested that into wanting another baby as a way "out"? Or am I just scared now that it's all going so well it may come crashing down around my head (i.e. Fear of Success)? Or that I may not be able to make it work with this new job and may jeopardize my position that I care so much about?

WHAT IS MY ISSUE?!

Eerie

2006-12-03T22:35:00.001-05:00

This is one of those "freaky" things.

My Haunted Hunters PSI founders are on the radio right now. They began at 10pm and I just remembered at this very moment so I clicked onto them... just as John was saying my name over the air.

Things like that give me goosebumps!

The Holiday Spirit

2006-12-01T08:40:00.000-05:00

If I felt comfortable swearing all over this cyber place I would be filling the pages with them.

I found out the secret; both families are going to New York to see the lights! Nice. Funny, since she didn't grow up in the North like M and I did. She was going there to have 'family time' with her own family and this new addition to her plan was just added... I think I'm really beginning to dislike her.

Why do I care so much? Is is because I have finally found a friend who doesn't think my 'non mainstream' way of thinking and my non-traditional beliefs are something to be proud of and not hidden? Is it because she is someone that I've grown to rely on and to trust when I am still wary of the people I've met down here and I suddenly feel like that may have been a mistake? I hate these feelings. They are evil and ugly and I have worked so hard to NOT have them any more.. Yet now it's all I can think about!

Friends

2006-11-28T17:51:00.000-05:00

I found myself getting upset again last night.

On M's blog there was a comment left about them telling their spouse about a new "secret". I was instantly blinded by jelousy because I didn't know what that secret was and I damn well wanted to! I was able to talk myself out of it in under ten minutes but I find that I'm still a bit irriated when I think of it. All of those old feelings come rushing back; you know the 'why don't they like me as much as they like them?' and the 'Are they mad at me for something I did?' thoughts.

Funny how the old habits and the old demeaning things we've lived with our whole lives never truly die. They may lay low and remain quiet as we work with them, but they never fully go away. I guess it's all in the name of our life's lessons, right?

My Life

2006-11-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

have to remember this night. It was amzing in so many ways!

The short of it is the very fact that my husband is back. The man I married, fell in love with, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with is back! I have missed him so much. I knew when we decided he was going to start this business that it was going to take a lot. I knew that it usually takes 2 years for any business to succeed, even in the very best of circumstances, and it was something that I was willing to take a chance on. I think I was newly pregnant at the time, and it seemed like risk was what we were in the market for anyway...

Funny, because I remember the very simple notion that my vowes somewhat revolved around this. Superficial, I know, but I really believed in the depths of my soul that he would be even more wonderful than I could imagine. When he approached me with the idea of opening his own business I couldn't help but jump right on board with it! When , during our vowes, I said, "I will help you become all that I know you can be and support you in all that I know you can achieve" I knew what I was talking about; I never doubted that this part of our lives would occur. I had always envisioned him with his own busniness, and I never doubted that I would be the one who would help him find his way there. Vain? Maybe, but I don't know any other way than to describe to you that I saw it.

What I did not invision was the amount of work it took. What I never could have seen was how much it took out of me, and out of him, and how much it changed us both. I could never have believed how much of a real-life version of life I had chosen, or how much of an honest cut-to-the-chase reality was delt to us. And, in all honesty, I couldn't be more grateful.

I have grown up a very sheltered person. No one (well, a select few whom I dearly hope have not judged me since learning the truth of who I am!) knows what life I came from before I set foot in Florida, and I guess I may as well share it now... Or, perhaps, at some date when I feel ready to show who I really am, and who my past has shaped to be.

2006

2006-11-22T08:18:00.000-05:00

I may be the only one, but I doubt it.

Around this time of year I do a lot of thinking about life; what I've done, what's been done to me, and whom I've had walk in and out of my existance. I'm sorry to say that I've said a mental 'good-bye' to more people than I'd hoped to this year. It's sad when people drift out of your life (or go storming out for that matter!), and the circumstances surrounding their departure is never without a lot of thought, regardless of the reasons.

Most of the people who seem to have made a permenant leave of my life experience are, happily, people that I chose to step away from for various reasons. Either vile in mind or spirit, I have come a long way in life to let the sort of energy those poisons carry find it's way back in the way I chose to be. I've done a lot of 'work' to become someone that I'm proud of, and I'll be damned if someone is going to take that away from me.

On the flip side, I have met so many wonderful people whom have touched my life in ways that I never thought possible! I've met friends who make me laugh, make me cry (in a good way) and, best of all, those who make me think. I have people in my life who surround me with goodness and happiness, and I finally feel as if I'm 'home' here.

I've learned this year that I'm stronger than I have given myself credit for. I have gotten out of a few not-so-good situations in a respectful manner and I have come a long way in my marraige and in my own self-growth!

I'm hoping 2007 is another year of learning and growing, and that the friendships I have now continue to be something I can count on...

I consider myself truly blessed.

Green Eyes

2006-11-20T17:39:00.000-05:00

I feel like a jealous boyfriend or something!

This is just the type of stuff that was happening before when I quit the Mom's Group I was in... I kept reading things on blogs and hearing things from 'friends' that made me jealous of the time my friends spend with one another... Maybe I really shouldn't have more than one IRL friend because I'm obviously some sort of freak or something.

Why should I care if they got together and had massages? Why should I care that they spent the day together, "bonding over lunch" and shopping while I worked?

Ugh. I hate being female.

Odds and Ends

2006-11-20T06:49:00.000-05:00

Along with my 3 jobs I'm going to school. It's a do-at-your-own-pace and I'm halfway through my third class. I have to take a breather though- I just completed 2 tests and I have to wait until they grade them before I go on because, in all honesty, I don't think I did that well and I'd like a chance to talk to my advisor before I go on.

I have one house listed and two more waiting in the wings. I have to complete some flyers for the one... I'd love to move it on quickly, but it's such a bad time of the year to sell a house.

I'm also reading like a junkie lately. I just finished a Sylvia Browne book and have moved on to an Indigo Children book and a book autobiography of John Holland... I also just finished "24 Hours" which was OK for a quick ready.

I need another project. I'm getting bored.

Wow

2006-11-16T19:16:00.000-05:00

What a turn around.

I'm getting put on the business health insurance and, as soon as that's complete, we're going to "Not try, but not not try either".

There are two stipulations though: I have to promise not to have a girl (hello?), and I have to promise to 'keep it in there the whole time' this time around. Sure, I'm with it... I don't have any control over either of those issues, but I'll try to comply.

I feel so much better! I had no idea how much this was weighing on my soul until he agreed...

One Thing

2006-11-06T18:57:00.000-05:00

Sean called. He read the letter I wrote him this morning and he says he has "one thing" to say to me when he gets home.

I can't wait.

Torn

2006-11-05T18:34:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to bring up the subject of having another child for a while now. We had a fight about it over the summer so I had promised myself that I wasn't going to bring it up again until things weren't so unsure. Although I have wanted to talk about it many times since then, I haven't.

This last month was really hard. I had felt this, for lack of a better word, panic about having another child. I felt that I had to discuss it; almost like it was my last chance. I told myself that if the business deal ended up working in our favor I was going to talk about it, regardless of whatever else was going on. So, since everything is now looking somewhat promising and I have finally gotten my RE license, I have wanted to talk about it.

I was having panic attacks about it. I would think about it and near about drive myself crazy. I don't think there's necessarily a 'good' time to have this discussion when it's such an issue, but I was determined!

Last night I asked God, or my spirit guide, my angels, whomever is looking out for me, to guide me in the 'right' way to do this. I ended up having a very vivid dream and, even though in the dream it was Sean talking, I knew what I had to say to make not an argument, but rather a way for him to really hear what I was saying.

I was ready to do it this morning. I almost opened my mouth a few times, but I chickened out each time. I would get this ringing in my ears and my heart would beat fast... It just didn't feel right. Lucky for me I didn't because we got a call about someone driving through the fence and stealing one of the cars from the shop at around 10am.

Tonight I just blurted it out. I was sitting on the couch with Sean, playing with Ian while we watched football, and I said, "So, I've been doing some thinking," (why, oh why do I always get that stupid grin on my face when I'm nervous?), "and I think that, now that Ian is three, it's time to start thinking about another one. I'm not saying we should 'try' but I don't think we should 'not' try either." He looked at me, and said, "I need some ice-cream."

He's at the store now and I don't know what to think. This is such a huge thing to think about and he's always so full of reasons why we shouldn't have another child. They're all logical, totally important reasons... But my reason is better. I have more love to give and I just don't feel that my family is complete... Is it fair for me to push another child on him if he doesn't want one? On the flip side, is it fair for me to have a longing like this one for the rest of my life?

There is no easy answer to this. The only thing that keeps playing in my head is the line, "If it's meant to me, it will."

The Other Side of Things

2006-10-26T06:39:00.000-05:00

We had an incident last night that has made me truly paranoid and jumpy today. Every little noise causes me to about jump out of my skin and makes me lose about an hour off of my life. I even got Ian up with me at 6am this morning... Like this big, bad almsot-hree year old can protect his Mommy. Stupid, I know.

It got me thinking though.

I started to get mad in the beginning becaue, lets face it, our homes are where we're supposed to feel 100% protected. This is MY life, MY family, and MY space. If you're here you should treat everyone and everything within my home with respect, as well as treat the house itself with respect. This is not just walls with furniture between them; this is where my emotions and heart live, and I will thank you to remember that. I don't invite people to my home often, and I hate it when people come up and just knock on my door because they feel they have the right to walk up MY driveway, down MY front walk, and stand on MY porch so they can sell me something. To quote a favorite movie of mine: "This is my damn space."!

After I got mad, I began to think about all the woman who have been attacked in their home (men too, but I see it more with women so I'll use the classification here). I can't even BEGIN to imagine the horror of that. I used to think that I was empathizing when I'd comment about something I'd heard about, but I realized I wasn't even coming close. Thoughts of "Wow, that must suck", don't even come close to covering it. I mean, I know that, but I didn't really feel it, if you knw what I mean. I don't think you can feel it unless you've experienced it. I mean, not knowing how you ever feel safe again when the one place you should be able to feel safe is the very place you were violated?! I doubt moving helps, and I don't see that adding all the bells and whistles of alarms and such do much good either.

How do you recapture the feeling of safety?

Nothing happened to me or to my family. Nothing happened to the house that we can see, either. Sean thinks that it was people putting in counters on our street but I have my doubts. Nothing seems amiss though...

Horoscope

2006-10-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

Aries (3/21-4/19)
A shocking situation may come to pass today, but you're totally prepared for it.

I really should have read that earlier today. Everything is all fucked up and I sure wasn't prepared for it! C & C are fighting Sean and Harold for the business. They're at the bank right now trying to secure a loan.

This is bad. It is really, really bad...

My Child, My Heart

2006-10-23T07:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I look at Ian and am in complete awe of him. He just amazes me. He's a real person, an honest-to-goodness little individual. What scares me (and thrills me at times too) is that I am responsible for creating and nurturing a piece of the future.

There are times I watch him and I get this complete feeling, like I am at total peace in the world because he's in it. I get this immense rush of love and I almost feel like crying because of the perfection I feel... Then there are the times when I watch him and am so proud I could just burst into a million pieces. Usually it isn't due to anything spectacular, but rather because of something small. Forinstance; today he's eating Gerber Sticks and green beans for breakfast and I suddenly realized that he has his own likes and dislikes, that he is different from every other creature on the planet, and he's able to communicate that to me and I can understand it. See, nothing earth-shattering, but it gave me a flash of pride and happiness.

It's the little things...

Too Much Information

2006-10-22T06:42:00.000-05:00

Ack! I feel like my brain is going to explode.

I'm on to my second day of real estate review. I don't know if I'd call it 'review' since I'm learning all sorts of stuff I was unaware of the first time around, but it's 'review' for the State Exam I guess.

I'm glad I paid the money for this. I keep getting advice on 'State Highlights' from the teacher and from other students; this is the second and third time around for most of them.

All I can say is: It's a good thing I work well under pressure!

Times Are Changing

2006-10-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

This sucks.

Sean gets up for work at 5:30am. I used to be able to fall back to sleep with little difficulty, but now I can't. As soon as my brain finds it's way out of dreamland fog it begins spinning out of control. I can't stop it long enough to relax again, so that's the end for me.
I have so much going through my head right now it's unreal. School, real estate, Northside, having another baby (some day hopefully!), money, the war, studying for the State exam, money, friends, God, family, money, Ian's birthday... Just everything!

I guess you could say that 'life' is getting in my way. I'm not upset about anything, not stressed (unduly stressed anyway) about anything... Except about Sean.

Seriously, this business thing is going to drive me batty. Every day it's something new. Yesterday he gave me news about one of the partners that upset me terribly because their response was nothing like we had thought it was going to be. Regardless, I'm holding on to the hope that everything will go our way in the end.

It has to. I cannot keep doing this. It's been over two years of worry, marital problems, money issues, and fear. As I told someone last night, I'm surprised my marraige made it this far!
For all my complaints I realized something last night: My marraige is strong. We went from a very big income to almost no income and the timing couldn't have been worse. Ian was just born and continued to be hospitalized frequently, we were really just newly married ourselves... Yes, we made the decision to try the new business venture, but there were many (and I do mean MANY) days and nights that we regretted it. We took a lot out on each other because "each other" is all we had... And we're still together. Even more amazing than that is there are no hard feelings anywhere between us. The only thorn is the 'baby' subject, but we're dealing with that as time goes on...

Anyway, the 31st is going to be a B-I-G day for us. I'm jumpy, nervous (for so many reasons. People are just so unpredictable that I'm a bit on edge about safety issues), excited, and scared out of my mind.

A... A what?

2006-10-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

I got an "A" in my children's nutrition class. So, I have an "A" average so far. It's only two classes, but it's still an "A", which is more than what I can see on my college transcript! Now I feel like I'm truly on my way toward my Holistic degree... My holisitc degree which will never be used for anything but my own personal knowledge.

So what? I've already learned how to help Ian go to sleep easier, what to do in certain discipline situations, and I have learned the importance of different foods that make a difference in his behavior. Seriously, that's been worth the cost of the school!

I am back to studying real estate again. I have a study group tomorrow, review classes both Saturday and Sunday, and then the test soon after that. Funny: All this work and I have a feeling that I'm not going to be doing this with my life. I don't know why, but I feel it in my gut. This is not it... This is not the end.

I'm working the 3 jobs now, yet I still feel unfulfilled. The question is, is it professional or personal?

Women!

2006-10-16T07:32:00.000-05:00

I thought there'd be a lot more backlash to me dropping out of the woman's group, but it's all quiet (for the most part). Colleen sent me an e-mail asking 'why?" but that's it. No one else.

Funny.

I still get comments on my other blog from Tammy every now and again, but she's the one whom I'm trying to get away from anyway. I find that horribly ironic! Some days I wonder if I did it all in the 'bite your nose to spite your face' type of deal, but then I remember that I hardly miss them, I don't think of them (often), and I have almost no stress in my social life any more. My feelings aren't hurt on a weekly basis, I don't wonder what they're sitting around talking about... I'm much better off without them!

The best part is that I found my true friends out of the group. I still talk to Dawn, and Kim, and I'm getting to know Calley and the others better...

And we can't forget Melissa. What would I do without her? My fellow what-is-this-world-we're-living-in-why-are-we-here-I-know-there's-more-than-this partner in life... I'd be lost without her. I cannot WAIT until the upcoming conference! Lectures for days on past lives, spirits, angels, physics, hypnosis, guides... Ahhh...

People are STILL stupid!

2006-10-13T16:06:00.000-05:00

It takes a lot to make me angry. I can get irritated at stuff like traffic or lines, but I don't usually get angry, especially at people.

There are exceptions to this rule.

I was just on the phone with a fellow Ghost Hunter and she asked me if I were going on the 20th to the investigation. I got my interest piqued when she mentioned Bay News 9 was going to be there, so we chatted about that. Then we discussed the last 'meeting' they had at the park where the organizer was an hour late and Sean and I had to leave before it got started. We had even brought the $40 worth of burger and left them for the members to have without us. As we left I mentioned to Sean about how rude I thought they had been; no one had introdued themselves to Sean or to my friend's husband, both of whom had come to see if they were interested in joining. No one spoke to them or made an effort to even tell them what the group was about or if they had any questions- nothing! Now, to me, if you're a 'manager' of a group or something, you make an effort to make people feel comfortable, especially if they're new. Anyway, she tells me, "Yeah, Jessica said that people thought Sean and Siad we're being 'assholes'. She said people thought they were mean and that they looked totally disinterested in everything."

There is so much I could say to that, like 1) Duh! Can you blame them for looking disinterested? There was no meeting, and NO interaction, 2) Where the hell were you when no one said anything to us at all, 3) It's not 'new memembers' responsibility to make themselves part of the group... I could go on and on!

This is the reason I hate group dynamics! There's so much judging, so much 'writing off' of people that it just sickens me. I can't believe that this shit is STILL HAPPENING no matter where I go! I can't be comfortable anywhere, it seems...

October 2nd

2006-10-06T18:47:00.000-05:00

There are some things you don’t think about; they aren’t even at the tip of your brain until you have no other choice but to stare them down as they become obvious. I thought I had planned everything accordingly: directions to each location, directions to local attractions, and short blurbs about what there was to do in the area. I had even checked to see where the local hospitals were, and we had been sure our medical information had been packed. We also had Ian’s prescriptions, nebulizer, vitamins, supplements, and special foods.

I felt prepared for the trip. However; I had forgotten the fear. I hadn’t prepared myself for the anguish of watching your child struggle for breath in a place so far from anywhere you feels as if the three of you are completely alone. I had forgotten how fear can turn to anger so quickly, and how it’s easiest to lash out at the people you love the most in an effort to make sense of it all; as if by their continued love even after cursing them to within an inch of their life, you’re assuring yourself that everything is still as it “should be” within your own earth’s axis.

Good-bye to be Said

2006-09-22T05:46:00.000-05:00

Something was brought to my attention last night and I'm a bit surpirsed. Not in what was told to me (I'd like to think that I'm not stupid; it's been pretty obvious what's been going on- some people like to live the life of bitchiness and that's pretty hard to hide . Remember, I used to be that person too), but rather my reaction to it surprised me. It was my lack of emotion that I found so interesting! I spoke to Sean and tried to explain it but he didn't understand what I was trying to get to in my rambling, LOL.

I think, in all honesty, you'd have to be a woman to 'get' what I'm talking about. Let's be honest; we've all be the evil wench and we've all played the victim in the friendship dance, yes? We've all had those situations where we were in control and easily manipulated feelings of our friends, but then we've also had those days we were knocked back on our asses and reminded just how much being the true victim really hurts. Face it: It sucks, and we've all been there.

That's why this surprised me so much. When I found out that Tammy, Colleen, and Shannon, were having ANOTHER Bar-B-Q that Mel and I weren't invited to but Dawn and Kim were, I was waiting for the crushing, hurtful things that usually follow: the "you're not worthy of friendship", "there's something wrong with you", "you're not fun to be around".... But, nothing. I get twinges here and there, but the cold truth of it is that I'm relieved to not be invited. It's always "work" when I hang out with them and I'm not interested.

It's finally happened. I've finally become 'at peace' with myself! I have true friends whom I know I can count on no matter what happens in my life, I know I'm a good mother and a, um, good(ish) wife... I've become a good person finally. I don't hurt others on purpose, I don't try to see how far I can push someone before they break, and I don't betray confidences. I've become my diametric opposite***, something I've strived so hard to be! I still may have my moments, but all-in-all I'm pretty amazed at how far I've come since moving here! I was in such a dark, evil, bad place that I'm surprised I'm alive, let alone who I've become!

Funny; that "how far I've come since moving here" line just struck something in me. Lately there have been a lot of questions about why I came to Florida in the first place. It isn't like I planned it or anything, I just packed up my car and drove here, so I think it's a worthy question! I really had no answer at all, just the "Because I wanted to" one, but I think it's SO much bigger than that. It may take a while for me to sort it all out, but I think I could make a good novel out of it!

*** I thought I'd throw this here for those who don't know what "diametric opposite" means because I sure didn't! I used this to explain becasue I always think of life as a full circle, just as all circumstances and events in live are circular. So, what better way to descibe my opposite self than to use this example? Life isn't lived on parallel lines, so this fit it perfectly! "Two points on the sphere are antipodal if they are opposite through the centre; for example, taking the centre as origin, they are points with related vectors v and −v. On a circle, such points are also called diametrically opposite. In other words, each line through the centre intersects the sphere in two points, one for each ray out from the centre, and these two points are antipodal. "

Where Did It Go?

2006-09-21T05:58:00.000-05:00

I finished my exam this morning! One less thing to worry about.

Last night Ian came up to me while I was talking to Sean, and he said, "Mommy? Nose hurts." I looked at him and his left eye was tearing and his left nostril was red. I couldn't figure it out, but then.... "Ian? Did you put something up your nose?" He looked at me and nodded, "Yeah, pushed it up my nose. Owie!" I grabbed his head and tried to look up his nose. I couldn't see a thing. "Ian, did you really put something up your nose or are you trying to give Mommy a heart-attack?" He stared at me some more and then said, "Up the Baby's nose! Owie. Hurts!" I looked again and couldn't see anything. I couldn't figure out what he could have gotten up there so far, and then I remembered that I had given him some Florida's Naturals, which are little fruit squares, about half the size of a stamp. "Ian, did you put the apples (what he calls them) up the Baby's nose? Did you?" A exuberant nod.

I just about freak out. It's up his nose but I can't see it? WTH? Is it circling his brain, destined to disolve in there and create a toxic buildup, thus creating brain damage? Are we going to end up going to the hospital so they can extract some stupid child's treat from an orifice my son couldn't keep out of? Geez...

Sean saved the day by having him do the 'one nostril blow' twice. Then he lectured him about the importance of keeping fruit nuggets out of our noses, but I don't think Ian was listening at that point; he was too busy trying to eat the newly removed 'apple'.

Funny, all these questions about Ian possibly being an advanced learner and then he goes and does such a 'kid thing'. Remindes me that for all my worries, he really is just a little boy and should be allowed to be that way for as long as possible.

True Colors

2006-09-15T10:32:00.000-05:00

I am so pissed off. I'm hurt, angry, and sick of it all.

I have been the best person I can be in this group of women and it just bit me in the ass. Funny- I used to be the back-stabbing, hurting, loving to create the chaos person, but I didn't feel the need to this time. I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever before, and it showed. I was neutral through all of the bullshit and stayed out of it all... and it all smacked me in the face.

This is the gist of what happened: My friend was selling a train table her son no longer wanted. I offered to buy it because Ian's birthday is coming up and I wanted to have something for him:

This was the original post from my friend:

Train table for sale
document.writeln("Train table for sale");
M has decided he no longer needs his train table, so we are selling it. We paid $150 or so for it at Toys R Us a few years ago. It has 6 bins...
Sep 14, 2006 9:33 am
document.writeln("Re: Train table for sale");

This was my response:
Re: Train table for sale
document.writeln("Re: Train table for sale");
C, we'll take it!is no one else has. His b-day is in November, so what a cool gift! Jenn...
Jenn jenn_0324
Sep 14, 2006 9:54 am
document.writeln("Re: Train table for sale");

And here's what followed:
Re: Train table for sale
document.writeln("Re: Train table for sale");
Me, I want it. Can you bring it on Saturday? Thanks! D ... From: D
Sep 14, 2006 11:39 am
document.writeln("Re: Train table for sale");

Re: Train table for sale
document.writeln("Re: Train table for sale");
Already pending a sale, thanks D! wrote: M has decided he no longer needs his train table, so we are selling it. We...
seller
Sep 14, 2006 11:56 am

So, I emailed her this morning asking about it:

Hey C,

Did I win the bid for the table, LOL? There was confusion there!

Jenn

Reply
Forward
C
to me

10:01 am (1½ hours ago)
Sorry, Dawn got to me first!

Sep 15, 2006 10:03 AM","Re: Train","
She did? Ummm, OK, my mistake...",

10:04 am (1½ hours ago)
Yeah, she IM\'ed me about 2 seconds after I posted it.

The more I thought about it the madder I got. Flat out lie to me? Why? Then, of course, I started second guessing myself- "Did I get it mixed up?", "Did she just miss the IM until today?"... "Am I just a jerk?". But, then as I thought about it more, I remembered that "D" takes her kid to school at 9:15am and WAS NOT even on line then (I notice who's on line the minute I sign in).

I spoke to another friend about it, and as I was relaying the story she said, "Oh yeah, me and D were talking about it and she mentioned that C had given the table away to someone else. I didn't know it was you." WTF?!

It isn't even the table that's the the problem- it's the lying. The FLAT OUT BOLD LYING! Not to mention the fact that "D" is the same person who owes money out her butt, but is buying this table? What sort of alternate universe have I stumbled into?

I'm sad that I'm going to have to leave this group of women. I've met some great people and have had some wonderfully fun times, but I can't hang out with people who lie to me. I get enough of that in the 'real' world, I don't need to do it on purpose. Let's face it, real life friends are a shortage in my life, and that's why I'm hesitant to leave. But, on the flip side, is it worth some fun nights to feel like this?

No.

Unfortunately there's no easy way to do this. Since I'm pretty much on the 'inside' of this group I hear all the nasty things they say... I can only imagine what they're going to say about me. It's a good thing I've kept all the negativity to myself or they'd 'out' me like they did to another woman who left!

Another thorn in my side is that we have a Mom's Night In on Saturday. One of the husbands organized a poker game and invited the husbands... exept for mine.

Yeah, no thanks.

All Alone?

2006-09-09T08:44:00.000-05:00

So as I was pacing the house last night at 4am, I got to thinking about a lot of things. Mostly I thought about how Ian and I would survive if something had happened to Sean while hunting and I decided that I really need to formulate a game plan. I'm not even on the deed to the house- something that should have been taken care of years ago. I need to get all that stuff straightened out and get our wills together... I don't want to be blindsided!

I also started thinking about friendship (our brains do such strange things!) and I realized just how long it really takes to build a friendship from the ground up. Forinstance: I wanted to call someone last night to cry and wail and scream about Sean... and there was no one. The only people I would have even remotely thought about calling are back in MA! Part of that is my personality, yes. But, I wonder when I'll start being able to break down and start considering to let people be a real part of my life? You know, when you start letting people know your vulnerabilities and trust that they aren't going to somehow hurt you with them? To trust that you can "inconvenience" them and they still be your friend becasue, before the month is out, they'll "inconvenience" you too and you'll be happy about it?

Possible or Just Being a Parent?

2006-09-07T06:52:00.000-05:00

Is it possible Ian is gifted? I know every parent thinks their child is 'gifted', but I honestly never traveled down that path. Sure, I think he's cuter than most (what Mother doesn't think that of their child?), but in light of certain Ian-isms and recent events I'm beginning to wonder.

From the time he could intereact with people, a lot of them were telling me he was "overly" bright and "advanced". They called him "Sponge" and were thrilled with his learning spanish, english, and sign. I attributed it to his young age and interest and nothing more. Even his early mastery of the alphabet and numbers didn't sway me.

Now, however; I've been looking into a lot of different things. One is school because he's so far ahead in what he knows that he's bored. With boredom comes behavior issues, right? He's been having those. Not your typical two-year-old issues either, but specific other types of issues. Also is his blatent lack of need for sleep. That's another thing because he used to sleep from 7pm to 7am without a problem, and now we're lucky if he's asleep by 11pm. He's also got that, what used to joke about was OCD, behavior where he clings to one thing for so long (be it idea or notion or whatever) we begin to look for things to substitute because we (wrongly) fear that he's bored. The last thing I noticed was his intesnse sensitivity! He gets wildly upset if criticized- he'll either cry, yell, or hit himself. He also is highly alert to the feelings of others; even people on TV. Last night he got upset because he came out of his room while we were watching 'Justice' and the defendant was crying.

In looking around for articles on sleep I stumbled across this:

"Developmentally, the young gifted child frequently reaches the 'milestones' such as walking and first speech earlier than average. They tend to have a more sophisticated vocabulary than their peers, may love to define words, usually love books and may be self-taught readers at preschool and kindergarten ages.

Early intellectual ability
Young gifted children often have a very good memory, and may be able and eager to learn simple maths, science and social studies concepts. They may develop an all-consuming interest in one particular topic - e.g. dinosaurs - and have an awe-inspiring understanding and knowledge about the subject, or seem interested in almost everything, sometimes moving rapidly from one topic to the other.

A thirst for knowledge
Many gifted children have a real thirst for knowledge, like the true scientist or philosopher who want to 'find out' about the world, just for the sake of it. Sometimes, there seems to be a strong drive to explore, learn about and master the environment. Often, contents of cupboards etc. need to be investigated, and toys and activities may be mastered at a rapid rate and discarded.

A very high level of activity
The young gifted child can be extremely active and frequently have a reduced need for sleep. Although still very exhausting for parents, unlike hyperactivity, it is activity with a purpose and a remarkably long concentration span may be shown when something is of particular interest.

Caution:
Due to their ability to see far more into what is for most a simple situation, and possibly due to their fear of failure, the young gifted child may hold back in a new situation, as if to check out all the implications. They may speak late, but then in complete sentences, possibly walk late, initially appear very shy in new social settings, and may require full details before offering help or answering questions.

Sensitivity
Some young gifted children can be very sensitive, general anger or criticism is taken personally; they suffer along with the starving children on TV, the injured animal, etc. and when overloaded with impressions, may become introverted and withdrawn.

Uneven development
Children may be gifted in a very narrow field, or may have "all round" high ability, but often there is a large discrepancy between their intellectual, physical and emotional development. Capable of abstract thought before being able to emotionally deal with these concepts, they may become overconcerned with death, the future, sex etc., Manual dexterity usually lags behind their intellectual expectations, resulting in frustration at the inability to complete envisaged tasks. Ten minutes after a near-adult conversation they may come whining about some small hurt, needing to be comforted like the four-year-old they really are!

The early ability to distinguish between reality and fantasy
This may lead to discussions on, and the acceptance of, the inevitability of death; the frequent need to analyze stories to see which parts "really could happen" and awkward questions about Santa and the tooth-fairy!

An early insight into social/moral issues
Some young gifted children have a well developed social conscience and may become very concerned about wars, pollution and other kinds of injustice and violence. They often see through adult hypocrisy and cover-up and may display fear and anger to discover that adults can be inconsistent and unreasonable.

Greater reasoning power and manipulation
Young gifted children tend to use their verbal ability rather than actions for communication. Generally, it is possible to reason with them from a very early age. At times, their verbal ability, combined with their greater reasoning powers and understanding of human relationships, may be put to use arguing with and trying to outsmart parents and teachers, and their abilities may lead them to discover the advantages of dishonest behaviour such as lying and stealing, at an early age. Although credit needs to be given for convincing, logical arguments, it is very important that normal discipline applies to the gifted child as it is a very insecure feeling for someone so young to realise they are able to manipulate adults.

Social skills
Most gifted children are also socially very able and get along well with others, frequently showing strong leadership abilities. However, even from an early age, they may see themselves as 'different'. Their more sophisticated vocabulary and advanced sense of humour is often not understood by other children and this may lead to feelings of inferiority and rejection. For this reason gifted children may associate more with older children and adults. It can be very important for some gifted children to find other gifted children with whom to communicate. Although it is important for them to have someone who truly understands them, this may be difficult to achieve.

Individuality
Many gifted children may be seen as "weird" or unconventional, they may have great fantasy and creativity and develop their own, unique style of learning. It is important that these children are not constantly organised, but have a chance to do their "own thing"; a time for solitude, reflection, and creativity.

The importance of adults
Gifted children may not be interested in very structured activities or meeting other's standards, often preferring to develop their own projects. Despite this, adult guidance is very important - to help them determine in which situation it is necessary to conform and when it is O.K. to be "different", to put realistic limits on an often overambitious project, to lend a hand when manual dexterity doesn't meet mental visions and to avoid self-criticism becoming destructive. Help may be needed to set realistic standards.

Perfectionism
Often the gifted children set very high standards for themselves, getting frustrated and angry when they discover they may not have the manual dexterity to complete envisaged projects. Sometimes, knowing they are unable to complete the task to their own standards, they may refuse to do it at all."

Now, it that doesn't describe my son to a "T" nothing does. Amazingly, we have someone in Sean's 'extended network' who does child testing so I may take Ian to see her... Wouldn't that be something if two learning disabled parents had a gifted child?

A Moment in Time

2006-09-06T07:21:00.000-05:00

Ian is still sleeping so I have a free minute. I'm supposed to be getting ready for work but he's in my bed- came crashing in at around 5am and climbed right in.

I'm reading Celestine Prophesy right now and it gives me chills. It's so amazingly accurate (as far as my life goes) that I find I can only read a chapter at a time. It makes me think so 'big' and so much outside myself that I get lost in thought as I go. I suppose that's the definition of a good read?

I 'spoke' with Coleen last night through myspace.com. Here is some of it:

" I'm sure people still have some unresolved issues about the accident. But, we can't go back in time. We've gotten older and our perspective on everything has changed. It was ten years this year. That's a lot of time gone by. I think XXXX needs to forgive. What I think that XXXX forgets is that what they did. They were both stupid. They both did crazy things without any thought of consequences. It could have easily been Pete behind the wheel that night. John has to live with what happened every day of his life. And I know that he thinks about it every day. He'll never forgive himself. Never. That's part of the reason why he doesn't think he deserves to be happy. He had poor self-esteem before, but after the accident, it just made it worse.

I just want to tell you that I was so happy to hang out with you that night at Dave and Krissy's party. It was great to have an old girlfriend around. It kind of felt like old times before whatever happened that made us drift so far apart. "

What happened was mostly my fault. I was angry that she had "stolen" my best friend and had "left me" at college all alone. I don't make friend's easily and she was the best one I had. She made me feel secure in such an insecure place... and she left. She left and my best friend was marrying HER when I was his love interest for so long... I burried myeslf in alcohol (not just for those reasons, but that was one of them) and lashed out at her the best way I knew how- I ignored them completely.

The night of her bridal shower I got so drunk with Mark that I couldn't even make it there. I knew about it and had planned on going, but his power over me coupled with the power alcohol had over me, was too much and I just sat with him and drank, and drank, and drank... And that was the end of our friendship.

" I was thinking about that the other day, in fact. I was realizing how 'grown up' we've all become and how, being an adult now, I realize how important friendships really are. They're so hard to come by and to cultivate... I have 'friends' here, but no one who compares to the people I left behind in Massachusetts. I had such a good time with you and Steve- in a weird way it was like hanging out with my family again. I've missed that- the ease of being me with people who know 'me' and don't expect anything but that.

When I left MA I was running so fast I barely had time to even think about what I was running from. I don't know why or how I survived my life up to the point I got rid of Mark and started to rebuild my life, but I'm here now with a heck of a lot more than I deserve. 10 years... wow. I hadn't realized... "

That's the closest I could come to apologizing. The funny thing is that I know how much better I'd feel if I could just say "I'm sorry" and accept what she has to say, but for some reason the words just stay locked inside of me.

Her response to me was so typically Coleen:

"We're all in our 30's. When did this happen? I was talking to John's mom at the wedding telling her how weird it was that we were all married now. We're all grown up. Hmmmm....I always thought it would feel different. lol

Stephen and I are always here for you. We both love you very much. You deserve all the blessing you have in your life. Sean and Ian are very lucky. =) "

How do I deserve that? When did she become the bigger person?

I want so very much to say I'm Sorry, but I'm so afraid. When you hold on to anger for so long it becomes a part of your very being. It's almost as if I'm afraid I'll shatter if I let it go...

No One Ever Said Life Was Going to Be Fair

2006-08-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

I have a secret.

My secret is that I want another child desperately. When people ask me if Sean and I are going to have another child I always respond with "We haven't decided" or, "We can't handle one right now". Truth be told, it's a VERY sensitive subject.One of the reasons I'm working so hard is to get money together to be in a position to have a child. I know you can never be "truly ready" for a child no matter how hard or how smart you plan, but there are some things that need to be in place (in my honest opinion anyway). I'm trying my hardest to get to that point... sooner rather than later.

Well, once again someone had trumped me. Turns out my SIL may very well be pregnant again. This makes their fifth child... they'll have five under the age of six. Aiden (the youngest) will be one in November... my brother doesn't have a job yet, they aren't paying my parents back the money they owe for the house (my parents paid for all renovations, adding the pool, and are paying all the bills- it's all going to be rolled into the new mortgage), they're over $100,000 in debt not even including the house... yet they're going to have another child. How is that possible?

What am I doing wrong? Why am I always a step behind? I don't understand... is there some hidden message behind it all? Am I a terrible mother and shouldn't have another child? Is there some reason that we're always behind the ball?! What's going on?

Crossroads

2006-08-17T07:12:00.000-05:00

Last night was one of the defining moments in my relationship with Sean. It's no secret that he's been struggling at his business and that we've been having a hard time in response to it. But, that being said, we had agreed early on to accept that it was going to be hard and not let the stress get to our relationship. I have also been taking my #1 wedding vow very seriously: "I will always help you be the person I know you want to be. I will support you and hold you up even when you don't think you can do it any more". Something like that anyway.

It's been two years now. Actually, more like 3, and nothing has changed. There is NO MORE money coming in, and now I have 3 jobs, he has two, and it's just crazy.

So, last night he calls from Wayne's house. He said, "Wayne came up with a good idea! He said I should take a week off from work and work down here with him. This way I can get a feel for the commute, the money, and it it's work I'd really like to do or not." Sounds great, right? Well, we're going on vacation for 10 days (which is stressful in itself because the money we though we had is now going for my surgery) and not 2 weeks ago I asked him if he could take a few days off for a family reunion in April which would be for all of my generation of our family (cousins I haven't seen in years!), and I got a huge lecture about how he can't take more time off, that there's no way he can be gone longer... blah, blah, blah... So I say, "That's great, but I thought you couldn't take more time off from the business? Last time when I asked you, you said there's no way you could get away."

From that a comment he made near about made my heart fall out of my chest: "Why is it that any time I have a spark, any kind of flame of hope, you put it out? Why do you have to put a negative spin on everything?"

Here I was, thinking I've been so supportive over the years (mind you, I'm not perfect. I've had my moments of pure bitchiness), never telling him what to do in business, never making him feel badly about our finances... But apparently I've been the one making him feel bad during it all.

So, I told him I'd leave. I told him the way to fix the problem would be for me to leave.

We talked after that, but in all honesty I shut down (as usual) and don't remember much exept for his insistance that he had a right to vent too, that I can't take things so literal when he says them (huh?), and that it isn't fair that I can 'blow up' and he can't.

Anyway, Ian was upset as usual and kept apologizing, "I sorry, Mommy, I sorry!" and I had to make sure he was calm and reassured before I could even take time to think about what was going on.

Sean came home shortly afterward. He was quiet and then said, "I have some things to say and I want you to let me finish before you talk, OK?.... You know I come from a broken home. My biggest fear in life it to have that happen again. There is no one on this earth that I want to grow old with other than you. There is nothing more that I want then to watch our little boy grow up, go to college or whatever it is that he want's to do, get married... and share that with you. Then I want to grow old with you and be with you until I die. You can do a lot of things to me. You can beat me, hurt me with words, do anything you want, but you can't tell me you're leaving me. You just can't do that! I try hard, I really think I do. I know marraige is hard work, but I really do try. If you don't think so, you have to tell me so I can fix it and make it better..." at this point we're both crying...

I just don't know what to do any more. I feel trapped 90% of the time but I'm having a hard time extracting exactly what it is that's suffocating me!

Truly Alone

2006-08-12T20:15:00.000-05:00

Sean and I were able to get out tonight, just the two of us. I think the last time it was just "us" was maybe 7 months ago? I don't know- it's felt like forever! We went to Olive Garden (yes, the same one I vomited in back in March) and we had a great time! It's funny how leaving such an intricate part of one's self behind can bring forth a whole other persona (by the way, did I mention I got quite drunk?). My MIL was thrilled to have Ian for the night, and I was thrilled to get away for a guilt free beer.

Our dinner conversation ran the course of two years: We covered out insecurities about money (no, wait, that was me), our frustration at working so hard and not getting ahead (Oh, wait, that was me again), to being so physically tired that we can hardly stand it any more (that was the two of us), and about the huge changes going on within both of our careers. We also discussed the possibility of getting a home equity loan to pay all of our bills (my surgery included) but for some reason he's not quite sure... I'm not because I know I can deduct the interest for that.

Anyway, it was quite an interesting evening. One I have too infrequently...

2006-08-11T20:58:00.000-05:00

I told Sean I'm getting sick but I'm trying to fight it until my test is over on Monday night. I told him my symptoms and how I'm trying to kick it naturally (surprise!) and here is what follows:

Sean: "You ought to use your Q-tips."

Me: "Huh?"

Sean: "You know, your Q-tips with the stuff on them? You know!"

Me: "Um, no. I really don't. What are you talking about?"

Sean: "You know, the Q-tips that you put up your nose? Those!"

Me: Staring "Honey, I'm really trying to figure out what you're saying! Are you saying there's stuff to put on a Q-tip that you put up your nose? I'm not understanding what you're talking about."

Sean: "C'mon! You know, that gel stuff on the f*ck#ng Q-tip that you put up your nose! That's what I'm talking about!"

It suddenly hit me after another moment of silence...

Me: "You mean the Zicam swabs that you're supposed to use right where the nasal passages begin? Those?"

Pause

Sean: "Oh, really? No wonder I didn't like them. I thought you were supposed to really shove them up there. They made my nose feel all gross and slimy."

*sigh* It's always interesting here.

Wednesday, August 10

2006-08-10T15:05:00.000-05:00

Has anyone ever cut you so deeply that you know you'll never be able to get away from the mark it's left? Have you ever had someone whom you've trusted completely, shared everything with, and that you've allowed to know all the vulnerabilities and things within you that make you the person you are, say something that felt like they literally slapped you in the face and continued doing it until you were left raw and defenseless?

It just happened to me. I am broken, unrepairable, and so very sad... I am so hurt and angry and deflated...

My Choice

2006-08-05T08:28:00.000-05:00

I've been reading up on some things that I let lag and I discoverd something about the health care industry that falls into the category of 'sneaky' as far as I'm concerned. I need to look into it a bit more because this is, of course, somewhat one sided information, but it seems like the gist of it is more fist-tightening from the pharmaceutical companies.

I am not naive: I do understand that the world is ruled by money- especially the American culture. However, America also stands for freedom and I find it somewhat hypocritical that we're fighting a war to promote freedom while our government is sitting here at home thinking about the possibility of restricting mine.

Update on Life

2006-08-02T07:18:00.000-05:00

With the mornings becoming brighter earlier I find myself back into my 'early' morning drive. I want to be up, dressed, and outta here by 8am or I feel like the day is wasted! I've been hitting the gym at 7:30 each morning and it's been great, except I stepped on the scale this morning and it was NOT pretty. All I'm saying is that had BETTER BE muscle weight I see.

Had voice last night and my teacher is being very supportive and indicated that he thinks I've made substantial progress. Of course this was after telling me that they aren't going to be a "full" studio come September becaue he's getting a new possition in his job- one that's going to require longer hours and going to get him MBA. Great for him and I told him such, but that may mean the end to my singing career which never even started. I wouldn't dream of going to another teacher, so that's that. I'm a little disappointed but I think I'll survive.

I spoke to my other job yesterday to see if I could iron out some details about the situations that have come to my attention (ones that are making me have to find a different job for now), and they aren't really fixable. My boss gets where I'm coming from but it isn't really something that can be changed. So, I've taken today off and am going to 'buckle down' into the job search- it won't take long because who wants to hire someone two days a week with the flexability of having them do projects from home as well? No one. But, I have faith that if I put my mind to it I can find it, especially since my RE class is over on the 14th and I'll have some more evenings free.

I sometimes wish I could see into the future just a bit. I really want to know if any of this finanical stress is going to be alleviated soon. I'm about through my savings now and I'm starting to have anxiety attacks when I spend any time thinking about money. Then again, who doesn't?
Sean keeps interjecting that I'm "dying from cancer" in the most random of conversations. I think he's worried without saying as much, even though I keep telling him that it isn't a big deal; that what I have isn't melanoma because I caught it in time, and that it's the next notch down on the 'severity scale'. He's pissed because I've decided not to get the surgery at this time and I think he's trying to scare me into it. Or he keeps mentioning it in order to get assurance, I'm not sure which!

August 1st

2006-08-02T07:17:00.000-05:00

Well. If anyone is looking to donate money for medical science purposes, let me know. I have someone who would be more than happy to take it: Me. I got the call back from the doctor and I have to have surgery on my arm. Two of the skin removals were normal and two were not. The cost? Around $500 plus the biopsy fee. And I have to have it done twice.

Yay.

July 30th

2006-08-02T07:16:00.000-05:00

Is there any one else on this planet who has as rough a time as I do with communication? I sometimes feel as if the words that come out of my mouth have got to be completely different then what I hear myself saying, because the response I get is way different than it should be. I hear what the other person "understood" me to say and that wasn't it at all...

It also doesn't help when you have four people trying to interject their opinions and thoughts into a situation which is already volitile and uncertain... it makes me defensive and anxious. Not good combinations.

Ack

2006-08-02T07:15:00.000-05:00

I am so tired I can barely stand it. I think I've finally hit the wall of exhaustion. I'm not physically tired, but mentally I feel like I'm thinking in a thick fog.

We did review in class tonight and, lets face it, I suck. I only got about half of the questions right. This is so much harder then I thought it would be! I knew it would be tough, but I didn't think THIS tough. Laws, governing bodies, math problems, trick questions... I thought I was finished with all that but here I am again.

I feel just about as stupid as I did going through my early school years. I was a freshman in highschool before I was diagnosed so grades K-8 were literally painful for me. I felt lost all the time and hated going to school; I was afraid all the time. I'm feeling like that again and I'm starting to panic.

Still Hanging In...

2006-08-02T07:14:00.001-05:00

Course Information - BHC 101 : Children's Nutrition

Progress #1
100%

Progress #2
100%

July 25th

2006-08-02T07:14:00.000-05:00

I'm up super early so that I can hit the gym with a friend of mine. We decided on 7:30am because I was so delerious from class that I forgot about reality... Anyway, I'm up so I might as well get motivated to go.

My father got an offical complaint lodged against him by a previous owner. We got the certified copy from GTAR yesterday and my poor Dad! He wouldn't talk about it at first but by the afternoon I was able to get him to explain it. At least it's unfounded and, the funny thing is, this is a person whom I remember SO WELL because everything started happening within the first week I began working for him- it's all crystal clear. I was able to remind him of some things which he had forgotten about, and it made him just that much more secure in knowing that she's full of it. I spoke to my teacher last night too and he did advise me that I'll probably have to testify but I just laughed; I have plenty of practice being in front of Judges, LOL. Of course this will just be the commission, but same deal.

I have noticed that this wheat free/gluten free thing makes it EXTREMELY difficult to lose weight! A lot of this stuff is loaded with refined sugar... I just have to start being extra careful about what I choose.

Customer Service

2006-08-02T07:13:00.000-05:00

I was so angry today I almost called a client to tell her just where she could shove her house.
I have been busting my ass for this one client for the past two weeks. If it wasn't getting a handyman for their closet that needed to be repaired, it was getting someone out to fix the window of the house because there were 'in town to clean up and paint the property for renting again' . I understand that they're investors and want a good return on their chosen investment, but that does NOT give them the right to treat someone unprofessionally. Especiallly when there wasn't a time frame given for completion of the project; please don't call all pissed off because "It had to be done yesterday" and you didn't tell anyone that. Not only did I bust my ass, but so did my brother (God bless him for bailing out his stark raving mad sister all week!!!) and we did everything we could as asked.

During all of this I got a call from someone who wanted to view a property in Wesley Chapel at 9am this morning. Not my favorite time of day for driving 40 minutes, but whatever. So I get up at 5:30am, get myself and Ian set for the day, run by the office to print out applications, get up to the house by 8:30am to open it up and pick it up a bit... and by 9:45am I deduct that this person is not coming. They didn't have the presence of mind nor the ablility to act HUMAN and call to tell me this. I drive back to the office and check the messages just to see if they had called during my drive up there. They had not.

No, there was no message from them, but there was a message from the ass-client informing me that they decided that they no longer want to rent the home and that I have to take it off the MLS system "effective immediatley", and that she needs my father to call her as soon as he gets home. I am so pissed off at this moment that my stomach is literally churning and my ulcer is creating all sorts of pleasant noises in my gut! I call my brother to tell him and he says, "Oh, that isn't even the half of it; you ought to see the e-mail Dad got from her!"

No, thank you. I am just about a hairpin south of driving out there to smash her face in with the nearest can of paint so I do not think it would be wise for me to read that e-mail.

July 20th

2006-08-02T07:12:00.000-05:00

I'd like a moment to breathe, please.

This schedule was fine when there was really no 'end' in site beacuse reading something is much different from 'studying' it. Now the end of my real estate class is approaching and I realize I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, nor do I know if it's really what I WANT to do.
Monday- Work and then class at 6pm to 10:30pm. Tuesday- Work at other job 9-5 and then voice from 7-8. Wednesday- work at other job 9-5 and then class from 6pm-10:30. Thursday is work, meetings, study group or studying on my own. Friday is work and then a study night/homework night. Saturday- Holistic/homework. Sunday- Study on and off for both holistic and real estate, usually in a group.

I have not spoken to friends for more than 2 minutes at a time on any given day. I have not returned phone calls because I don't think people would like to hear from me at 6am nor do I think they'd like the phone ringing at 10:30pm. *sigh*
I enjoy being busy. I really do- I get more accomplished. I just wish I knew if this was all going to lead somewhere or if I was just 'learing' to learn. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd like a return on my investment!

I'm off to do a showing in Wesley Chapel. Again